Things You Never Knew Existed
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Friday, June 23, 2017
Summer’s here and so’s the weekend! You know what that means? It’s time to crack open a cold one, Things fans!

But first, some fun beer trivia.

Oh, OK. You don’t have to wait. Go ahead and chug that brew right now while you read. You deserve it[1].

Things You Probably Never Knew About Beer

• The workers who built the Great Pyramids of Giza were paid in beer (and bread, but we all know which one is more important). That would be the only reason I’d keep returning to work if it was my job to drag stones under the desert sun all day.
• Approximately 50 million people around the world are drunk right this second. I have to admit to being a little jealous of this fact, seeing as how it’s breakfast time here at Things, and it would be poor form to down a six-pack at the office when I haven’t even finished my donut. #AdultingIsHard
• The winner at Finland’s Wife Carrying World Championships receives the wife’s weight in beer. Also, Wife Carrying races are a Thing.
• In Austria, you can actually swim in pools of beer. (This both appalls and intrigues me.)
• The average beer contains about 4.5% alcohol by volume. The world’s strongest beer, however, contains a staggering 67.5%. It’s called Snake Venom. The name alone makes my liver whimper.

Beer trivia not enough to tide you over ‘til happy hour? Check out the small sampling of our beer Things below (a “Beer-Things Flight”, if you will).

Turn Beer Into Pee TeeFlag Skull Bottle OpenerShark 50 Caliber Bottle OpenerPersonalized Beer Removal Tee

You can find even more by clicking here.

Cheers!

*hiccup*

See you next week,
Bobby

1. But not if you're under the age of 21. Or while you’re on the clock. Or at school. Or right before (or while) driving. Duh. Or at church… well, maybe church…

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, June 16, 2017
Farewell, Bright Knight!

Holy heartache, Batman! Just one short week ago, at the age of 88, the legendary Adam West retired to the great Bat Cave in the sky and traded in his cape for a pair of (blue?) angel wings.

Mr. Wayne West began his acting career in the 1950s and over the course of the following 60+ years, had amassed nearly 200 acting credits, guest appearances, and voice-over roles under his utility belt, including: The Young Philadelphians, a handful of TV Westerns, Perry Mason, Outer Limits, Soldier in the Rain, and oodles of other roles. As the first actor to bring the Caped Crusader off the pages of comic books and onto the screen, West cemented his superstar status, one that followed him decades after the original Batman TV show first aired. More than 40 years after hanging up his cape, West finally earned an ever-coveted spot on the Hollywood Walk of fame—despite how quickly he’d earned himself a bat-shaped space in all of our hearts as the crime-fighting hero we adore.

On June 9th, 2017, the world bid farewell to the Bright Knight, but I, for one, will not be one bit surprised to look up one day and catch a glimpse of a familiar bat figure formed in the clouds.

See you next week,
Bobby

DC Comics Batmobile With Bendable Figures DC Comics Batman Interchangeable Figure DC Comics Batman Classic TV Series Facts And Stats Book DC Comics Batman Bendable Figure Set DC Comics Batman Pendulum Wall Clock
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, June 9, 2017
When deadlines are barreling down on me like a demonic locomotive, I often depend on music to help me keep my head. I’m gonna wave my nerd flag here and say I’m a fan of film scores and “trailer music”. Occasionally, however, listening to this “genre” can often be to the detriment of my work when I have some stirring, dramatic fantasy piece with powerful horns and violent percussion funneling through my ear buds and into my brain, and right in the middle of the work day, I’ll be filled with an overwhelming need to don a Viking helmet AND SLAY A DRAGON AND MOUNT ITS REPTILIAN SKULL ON THE WALL OF MY CASTLE… er… office? Clearly, I get swept away, but that’s what fantasy is all about right?

Dragon On Skull Light Up FigureAnd what’s a good fantasy without dragons? Less fiery and dangerous (i.e., less interesting), that’s what! Dragons are terrifying. Dragons are beautiful. Dragons are Bad Ass. And we have a sweet collection of dragon artifacts Things for all your fantasy needs.

Dragon On Skull Light-Up Figure – This miniature majestic beasts looks like it would sooner tear your fingers off than let you near its treasure! And can you ever go wrong when you combine dragons AND skulls? That answer is “no.”
Dragon Skull Stapler
Dragon Skull Stapler – This is hands-down my favorite desk accessory. I imagine him eating every document I shove between his stapling fangs. It makes paperwork fun.

Personalized Dragon Slaying Service TeePersonalized Dragon Slaying Service Tee – With your name slapped on this wearable work of art, don’t be surprised when the requests start pouring in for you to rescue royal hotties from tall towers. Also, imagine adding “Dragon Slayer” to your resume. Just. Imagine.

Check out our other Dragon Things here. While you’re at it, cue up an epic film score and liven up the office a little… and should you feel musically inspired to run a sword through that chronically jamming office printer, well… let’s just say I can sympathize, my friend.

See you next week,
Bobby

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, June 2, 2017
In honor of an upcoming special holiday, I’d like to share a joke with my favorite readers.

You ready?

OK!

Q: Where does the King keep his armies?

A: In his sleevies!

[rimshot]

Dad jokes are the best aren’t they? (The answer you’re looking for is “yes”).

Father’s Day is only a couple of weeks away, and just a heads up: Pops is totally set on neckties. Trust me. I know these Things.

While you probably already know there are multitudes of epic ways to show your love and appreciation for the guy who helped shape you into the awesome human specimen you are, I’d like to toss a few more Things into the ole idea bank that can help make his day even better.

Help him learn Krav Maga: After learning the fighting techniques in this Krav Maga Personal Protection Course, your Dad can have even the biggest dudes crying “UNCLE!” in no time.

Hold up his pants: With an awesome belt, of course. (Things might get awkward if you follow the guy around while hiking up his drawers for him, just saying.) The Comfort Click Belt’s micro-adjust ratcheting system means it will fit any day, all day, no matter what—no more stretched belts or punching extra holes to make one fit!

Light up his world: The military-grade Atomic Beam Lantern is brighter than ordinary flashlights and is built to withstand extreme conditions. A perfect addition to the gear you’re bringing with you on your male-bonding camping trip!

Let him gamble with his savings: This working Jumbo Slot Machine Bank has all the fun lights and sounds of real Vegas slots without the shame and regret over blowing your mortgage payment!

We have plenty of other Dad Things here, or you could always take a gander at a couple hundred of or newest Things here, all sure to make you forget ever considering that necktie in the first place!

And because I can’t resist….

Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A: A Labracadabrador.

Happy Father’s Day!

See you next week,
Bobby
Krav Maga Personal Protection DVD SetComfort Click Belt - As Seen On TV    Atomic Beam Lantern - As Seen On TVJumbo Slot Machine Bank
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, May 26, 2017
Summer is just around the corner! For many, that means warmer temps, no school-zone slowdowns on your daily commute, and endless outdoor shenanigans. This week, I want to share a few tips on how to get the best out of your summer.

Vietnam Veteran Tank TopEagle 2nd Amendment Sleeveless Denim Shirt
• Go sleeveless - Exercise your right to “bare” arms and level up your pun game at the same time with this 2nd Amendment sleeveless denim shirt. Or rock your veteran status with this Vietnam Veteran tank top.




Personal Mosquito RepellerGrill Daddy - As Seen On TV• Grill like a grownup - You can BBQ a mean burger, but what does that grill look like when you’re done? Steam clean that bad boy with the Grill Daddy® to get rid of all the grease and baked-on food without using harsh chemicals.


Personal Mosquito RepellerSunscreen Tube Flask• Create your own force field - Keep mosquitoes and their plague-filled needle faces away without using sprays or candles by wearing a Personal Mosquito Repeller. Zika is noThing to screw with. Neither is West Nile Virus, Malaria, or… mosquitoes are evil, OK?



Sunscreen Flask Set
• Stay hydrated - No, don’t drink sunscreen. These “sunscreen” tubes and bottles are actually secret booze smugglers! Fill them up with your poison of choice to add a little spice to a dull cookout. Or simply use one as a water bottle at the beach and enjoy the looks of horror you get for chugging some SPF 30.

Solarweave Breezer SPF 50+ Hat• Protect your noggin - Shield yourself from the sun with a wide-brimmed, breathable hat, like this Solarweave Breezer. SPF 50+ cotton fabric and extra-wide brim helps block 99% of the sun’s harmful UVB rays, and mesh crown helps keep you cool.


• Feel the breeze - We have an arsenal of fans to blow your hair back and cool you off! The iFan plugs into your iPhone®, this mini fan is more powerful than its size suggests, and the Kool Down™ is your own portable AC unit.
iFan Mini Breeze Rechargeable Mini Fan Kool Down Air Cooler

Check out our other summer Things here and start your summer off #LikeABoss.

On the behalf of everyone here at Things, I’d like to wish everyone an enjoyable and safe holiday weekend, as well as extend our heartfelt thanks to our military service members on this Memorial Day as we reflect upon and honor those who’ve given their lives for the freedoms we enjoy in the good ole US of A.

See you next week,

Bobby
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, May 19, 2017
Military Logo Beach TowelMilitary Branch Tank TopI’d like to take a moment to give a huge shout-out to all Things fans serving in the U.S. Military. You guys are real-life superheroes, and your selflessness, bravery, and loyalty are an enormous part of what makes America great! Thank you for your service, and Happy Armed Forces Day!

For those unfamiliar with this holiday, you may be thinking, “Wait… is Bobby referring to Memorial Day?” or “Hold up… I thought Veterans Day was in November.”

Allow me to clear that up for you…

Military Branch Light Up Hitch CoverTomorrow, is Armed Forces Day, a holiday celebrated every year on the third Saturday in May. In 1950, President Truman proclaimed Armed Forces Day to be a “combined demonstration by America’s defense team of its progress . . . towards the goal of readiness for any eventuality.”  In other words, it’s a day in which we honor the brave men and women who currently serve in all branches of the U.S. military, and they get to show us just how awesome they are (air show, anyone?).
Military Branch Leather Vest
Memorial Day, observed on the last Monday in May, originally began as Decoration Day following the Civil War, where citizens would decorate the graves of fallen Union soldiers. By the 20th century, it became known as Memorial Day and had been extended to honor all American military personnel who’ve died serving our country.

Military Branch Medallion And Visor SetIn 1938, Armistice Day was made a legal holiday to celebrate the cessation of hostilities between the Allied Nations and Germany on November 11, 1918, and to honor the veterans of the first World War. Following WWII and the Korean War, U.S. Congress later changed Armistice Day to Veterans Day to honor American veterans of all wars.

American Soldier Military Beach TowelPut simply, Armed Forces Day honors current military personnel, Memorial Day honors--or memorializes--those who’ve died in military service, and Veterans Day honors those who have previously served in the military--including those who have paid the ultimate price in the line of duty.

If you’re looking for a unique way to honor the troops in your life, or show off your own military pride, we’ve got a wide variety of Military Things at ThingsYouNeverKnew.com. Check ‘em out, and if you see a fellow Things fan sporting one of our caps or tees, be sure to thank that patriot for their service!


See you next week,
Bobby
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, May 12, 2017
Happy Limerick Day!

Today we celebrate English artist/illustrator/author/poet/superhero Edward Lear's birthday by creating and sharing ridiculous limericks, a poetic style to which he has been widely credited.

I love a good limerick. Hell, I even love a bad limerick. For those horrifically unaware of this exquisite style of poetry, a limerick is a short, nonsense poem consisting of five lines. The first two lines rhyme with the fifth, and the second and third lines rhyme with each other. Purists suggest following a strict number of syllables per line, but that often proves limiting.[1] In general, lines three and four are shorter than the others, and the stanza follows a bouncy rhythm called "anapestic meter". What this all boils down to is that they're not fancy-pants sonnets, and you don't have to be Shakespeare to whip one out (though, the bard has actually written a few, so no pressure, right?).

I've included a couple of helpful examples below, so you, too, can appreciate this fine linguistic art. The first was inspired by the day the Things Crew carried out their revenge for when I'd loaded all the office desk fans with glitter on April Fools' Day.[2] The second illustrates a delightfully popular limerick style[3], where the content is more... suggestive.

Without further ado..

Friars Club Encyclopedia Of Jokes
(Almost) Death By Nachos
There once was a guy named Bobby
Who'd sampled the free nachos in the lobby
He soon realized
He'd need to be hospitalized
For the pranksters had switched the guacamole with wasabi.[4]

Nap Sack Prank Gift BoxGet To The Choppa
There once was a dude named Rick
Who couldn't wait to show off his new trick
When a victim he'd spy
"Check this out!" he'd cry
And impersonate a helicopter using only his elbow.[5]
Poop Soap
Limericks celebrate the beauty that is juvenile humor, which is an important quality we strive to cultivate at Things, as evidenced by our truckloads of shenanigan-inspiring gags for the maturity challenged, ranging from joke books to prank gift boxes to fake poop.

And should you aspire to write a score of your very own limericks (YES OMG DO IT), but lack the inspiration, you can find many helpful word choices in our Creative Cursing Book.[6]
Creative Cursing BookCreative Cursing Book

See you next week,

Bobby

1. For me, because I can only brain so hard and I have Things to do.
2. Maybe now they'll start reading my blog, because it's not like I didn't warn them.
3. As well as the fact that I haven't matured past the seventh grade.
4. My sinuses are still recovering,
5. Not actually his elbow.
6. Bonus: This book is especially handy at the DMV.

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
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