the stories: Some chap wakes up in the middle of the night to blinding lights
glaring through his window. His house shudders on the foundation. Shadowy
figures remove him from his bedroom with the power of their collective minds
alone, bringing him aboard their spacecraft. They then share with him the most
deliciously spicy chicken-fajita casserole this side of the Milky Way and send
him back home with recipe in hand.
not that last part, but I didn’t wanna go too in-depth with the alien-abduction scenario and fill your heads with
probing questions too uncomfortable
only three short days away from National Alien Abduction Day, so, I have taken
it upon myself to gather a few handy tips for those who want to be prepared to
be “one of the chosen” on this most-cherished of holidays here at Things:
- Get pumped. (And I don’t mean get excited,
but really, how could you NOT?) If you get snatched out of your bed for a
2:30AM green-guy experimental checkup, you want to give your abductors the best
possible specimen to examine. Plus, the last Thing we want the Martians to know
is that we’re pushovers. Show them we’re a force to be reckoned with by
following the Living Large plan and bulk up. Also, we hear having sculpted muscles
makes one more attractive in general. Do us a solid and let us know if this is
indeed the case. In the name of science, of course.
- Keep a water-filtration kit near
the bed. We’ve all
been warned not to drink the water in Mexico if you’re not a local. Doctor Who
has warned us not to drink the water on Mars. The solution to your inevitable
close-encounter with the thirsty kind? Filter your water so you’re less likely
to be a host to parasitic murder bugs. You may remember our friend, the Survival Water Filter from last week's post. Why do we suggest you keep your kit by the bed? Because it’s
unlikely that your abductor will be kind enough to let you pack before you
board the Fun Ship. You’re welcome.
- Install a motion-detecting spy
camera. If one Thing
remains constant from abductee testimonials, it’s that very few people believe victims
have been abducted. Combat this ignorance with concrete proof! We have a nifty
clothes hook with a built-in camera that is perfect for this very purpose. As
soon as someThing moves, this unassuming I Told You So machine goes into spy
mode and records all the evidence you need to rub in your coworkers’ faces.
- School thine self. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, we’re all too happy to enlighten
fertile minds. Read up, watch up, wake up… and prepare to get beamed up!
And if your
extra-terrestrial rendezvous isn’t the party you hoped it would be?
See you next week (unless they keep me on the Mother Ship),
- Make your
skin beautiful again. No need for physical reminders of not-quite-fun times if you don’t
want ‘em. Just know that while our Advanced Scar Therapy can help you kiss
those scars goodbye, you’ll probably need a different kind of therapy for the
I don’t mean to alarm
everyone, but yesterday was PANIC DAY WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HOW COULD THIS
Go ahead and grab yourself a paper bag if you need one, I’ll
Try not to focus on your unpaid bills.
…Or that big project you’ve been putting off.
…Or how badly unprepared you are to handle a zombie
apocalypse and the inevitable fall of civilization.
I actually have a few Things to help with that last one!
fits in your pocket and has everyThing you need to catch,
hang, clean, and cook all manner of creek critters and keep you from staring
hungrily at your next door neighbor (in actual
hunger—not the kind of hunger that might have earned you a restraining
order had law and order not just collapsed).
It’s not always convenient to build a fire and boil your
drinking water. This handy Survival
makes it easy to safely drink from virtually any water source—no
pyrotechnics necessary! Besides, even if zombies are
roaming around, spreading their death pox, do you know what ordinary,
healthy animals do
in the water? It ain’t
pretty. Filter your H2
Thing that can stand between you surviving and becoming worm food is a length
of rope. I kid you knot
. Our Prepper’s
Guide to Knots
gives you step-by-step instructions for 100 of the most
useful tying techniques required to survive any disaster. Including zombies.
For everyThing else, there’s this comprehensive handbook on How
to Stay Alive in the Woods
. Learn what’s safe to eat, how to stay warm,
make shelter, signal for help, and basically keep your brain in your noggin
where it belongs.
Are you breathing easier yet?
As long as I don’t turn on the news.
…Or… WHERE’D I PUT THAT PAPER BAG?!?!
Things You (Probably) Never Knew That Happened This Week: A History Lesson...Of Sorts.
- Monday marked the two-year anniversary of
Leonard Nimoy's passing. I know. I can't believe he's been gone this long,
either. The Vulcan salute still makes me emotional. I feel a STAR TREK marathon coming on...
- Tuesday was not only "Fat Tuesday", it was also the Feast Day for Saint Hilarius, a former
Pope who is apparently not the patron
saint of jesters, like my seventh-grade history teacher said he was. Regardless
of which of these events you celebrated, there's a good chance you're giving someThing up
for the next few weeks in the spirit of self-sacrifice. If Lent is a struggle,
and you need a token or two of spiritual guidance, we've got
- Wednesday was both Justin Bieber's birthday and
National Pig Day. One of these two creatures makes a distinct, often bothersome
noise and occasionally requires someone else to clean up a mess they left
behind. The other gives us bacon.
- Yesterday was Daniel Craig's—a.k.a. James
Bond's—birthday. All the more reason to get your spy on
(and pretend that beer is a dry martini).
- Today is the 86th anniversary of when
we adopted the Star Spangled Banner as our national anthem (nearly 120 years
after Francis Scott Key wrote his famous poem). Another great opportunity to remember
how America is the land of the free because
of the brave.
Just like winter, this week is
almost history! I sure hope I helped you learn someThing new today, and if you're
filled with an overwhelming thirst for more history knowledge (the mostly bacon-free
and completely Bieber-free kind), hop on over to Things You Never Knew Existed
and get your hands on some History Things
Saint Hilarious bless you, may you "live long and prosper", and may you always
remember beer should be neither shaken nor stirred.
birthday’s coming up, and, to be perfectly honest, it makes me feel kinda old.
In the grand scheme of Things, I’m more Spring Chicken than Dinosaur, but I
don’t get carded as often as I used to, and my joints sound like a bowl of
cereal when I’m stumbling up the steps after a long evening of Not Getting Carded.
me, though, dinosaurs don’t (didn’t?) exactly suck. Sure, there are only a
handful of these ancient critters left if you count alligators, giant
tortoises, and the “seasoned gent” who lives next door to my uncle (I’m pretty
sure his Social Security number is 27), but there’s much to be said for once dominating a planet and remaining relevant millions of years after you and your
velociraptor cousins decided to check out that insane meteor shower. Personally,
I count myself lucky that my mailman finally stopped calling me “Steve” last
week, so I’m pretty sure nobody’s gonna remember me in a few thousand
only wonder, though, had the Tyrannosaurus Rex flexed its miniature cerebrum
more often, if he and his buddies would still be around. Then again, were that
the case, they’d be our overlords now, and we wouldn’t have tasty Things like
chicken. Or this sweet T. Rex lamp!
|If Ben Franklin only knew how we |
used the results of his kite experiment...
Could you imagine ole Rex
with his little arms trying to replace the bulb?
|I SAID PASS THE SALT, PLEASE!|
…or season his Triceratops steak?
(I can, and
it’s a Thing of beauty.)
simply grateful to be on top of the food chain, taking advantage of our
evolutionary blessings—like the mightily delicious chicken—maybe a few new recipes are more up your alley.
|Finally! A delicious excuse |
for owning only one pot!
pot pie. Might have to make one for my birthday in honor of being one step
closer to Dinosaur Status.
It’s almost Presidents’ Day—you know what that means?
Mattress sales! No battling school buses on your morning commute (school-bus
battles are brutal—those kids got serious game)! Three-day weekend!
In all seriousness, Presidents’ Day was originally
established to recognize and honor the birth of George Washington. While our
first President’s birthday actually falls on February 22nd
Gregorian calendar, for you history purists), we celebrate it on the third
Monday of February. Why? So the day can be observed to honor all U.S.
presidents? While many Americans do observe Presidents’ Day in this
manner, the date was actually adjusted to
give those who work for our government more three-day weekends. No joke. The
Uniform Monday Holiday Act was passed in 1971 for the purpose of changing the
dates of certain federal holidays so that they fall on a Monday, thus giving government
employees more Mondays off.
We tried something similar here at Things, but despite our
best efforts, International Goof Off Day has failed to be recognized on our company-wide
holiday calendar two years in a row. We’re hoping 2017 will prove third time’s
So, what are some Things YOU can do to celebrate ol’ George’s
birthday? Well, I have a few suggestions:
- Binge-watch Presidential documentaries on the
- Wear a powdered wig while you’re out buying that
sweet new mattress
- Take a hatchet to a cherry tree*
- Snag some amazing collectible currency featuring
Mr. Washington’s handsome mug that you can later pass on to a youngster—history
choose this option, make sure it’s your own cherry tree. My neighbor got a
little angry over last year’s Presidents’ Day celebration, even though he got a
cherry pie out of the deal. You just can’t please everyone…
See you next week,
Magic has been around for about 5,000 years or so. The Westcar Papyrus
, tells five tales of illusionists performing in the Pharaohs' courts. As one messy story goes, a magician named Dedi beheaded and then restored several animals for Egyptian king, Cheops.
Street magic seems new, but it's not. Ancient Greek tales describe street magicians performing variations of the "cups and balls" trick (using rocks instead of balls). Magicians didn't have anywhere but
the street to perform and they didn't carry their own props; they had to use Things they could find or get from their audience to perform slight-of-hand illusions.
The Indian Rope Trick was described over 600 years ago, but it's impossible to recreate as told. The full trick goes like this: a magician suspends a rope in the air while a boy climbs up it hurling insults at the audience. The magician follows, disappears out of sight and body parts rain down on the ground. The magician descends the rope, picks up the parts, puts them in a basket and shakes it. The boy then emerges from the basket unharmed. Only parts of this famous trick can be recreated as told.
And then there was Black Herman - a magician who won fame and fortune for being buried alive and then coming back to life - even after his death. One night he collapsed onstage and really
died. After which his faithful fans gathered outside the funeral home, waiting to see the rest of the "trick." Herman's assistant, who knew his boss better than anyone, suggested to the funeral home that the magician would have charged admission. So they did.
Sadly for his fans, Black Herman didn't come back from his last trick. And there were no refunds offered.
See you next week,