Things You Never Knew Existed
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Friday, August 18, 2017
What if Bigfoot is real? What if UFOs are visiting planet earth? What if they're working with the world's governments on some alien agenda?  What if politicians and governments are really no more than puppets for secret societies like the Illuminati? What if we're all living in a fake reality designed by a group of elites who manipulate everything we see, say, feel, do, and think?

Great mysteries like these make life such an interesting Thing. That's why I devote (probably a little too much) time to the odd, the extreme, and the outlandish. In short, the freaky and unanswered "What If?" questions of our time. Like...

What if it's true that dozens of NASA astronauts have seen and reported UFOs? What if the space agency really has a written protocol for the sightings? Like shutting down live feeds from the International Space Station when someThing unidentified flies by? What if there's a secret space program that includes bases on the moon and Mars, orbital weapons platforms, and even "non-terrestrial officers" trained to fight alien races - in space?

What if secret societies like the Illuminati, the Freemasons, and Skull & Bones really want to take over the world? What's with the silly hats and the secret handshakes? What does it have to do with their true purpose? What are they up to behind those tightly locked doors? And what if they don't want to create and run a secret global government? What if that's just what they want us to think they want?

Which brings us to one of my favorites: what if none of this is real? What if we're in someThing like The Matrix only without the awesome special effects and the part about getting to hang out with Morpheus? What if we're all being manipulated by some giant, unseen and all-seeing super conspiracy to take over the world? Or the galaxy? Or the universe? If so, is it a human conspiracy or an alien agenda?

By now you might be thinking I need professional help. Can't say I blame you. But before you call out the guys in white coats, let me say one Thing: It's not that I believe  this stuff is true (at least not 100%). I just think it's best to keep an open mind because...you know...what if

See you next week,
Bobby
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, August 11, 2017
I spend a lot of time in my car in the summer. I love a good weekend road trip. Once a year I take my nephews on an adventure with me. Last month I took them up north to escape the balmy Florida heat. We headed up the highway to do some sightseeing and some camping.

When you're young, car trips are boring. Even more so for today's kids. I get it. Remembering last year - the more bored they get the more irritable I get - I decided to do a little pre-emptive shopping this year. I picked up some Things that (I hoped) would distract them so I could drive without hearing that age-old lament, "Are we there yet?"

Boom boxes might seem a bit Old School for the millennial generation, but with a built in television and Bluetooth connectivity this one is Da Bomb. It handled every kind of media they could throw at it - from MP3s to DVDs to SD cards packed with movies. It was their favorite of all the Things I picked up for them, including the mini arcade games, the ever-poopular fart machine, and the book of Spock's Logic Puzzles (okay, maybe that last Thing was for me).


The open road isn't all fun and games and our summer trips are the perfect way to teach my nephews about road safety. Before we leave, we go through a checklist to make sure we have all the Things we need if our trip north suddenly goes south. Besides an all-purpose emergency tool, jumper cables, and emergency batteries, you need more than one good flashlight. This year I added the Tac Light to my emergency kit. With about 40 times the brightness of a regular flashlight, this Thing can turn night into day. Thankfully, I haven't had to use it for an emergency, but I did hang it from a branch at our campsite so I could see what I was cooking.

With safety taken care of, there's no reason Uncle Bobby can't have some fun in the car, too. And what's more fun than a Duck Butt sticking out the back window? It attaches with suction cups, so you can easily detach it as the situation demands. For example, when you're at the campsite and your car is surrounded by live ducks who look at you sort of sideways and your nephews worry that maybe the real ducks don't find your little joke all that funny. Maybe that's a good time to stow the butt. Especially if you don't want to wake up to a truck covered in bird guano...

See you on the open road,
Bobby
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, July 28, 2017
I used to ask my parents to hire a clown for every one of my birthday parties. And if the clown could do magic? Well, that was a double-down win in my book. But now when I see a clown, I'm literally - and I do mean literally - paralyzed in terror. Thank you very much, Stephen King.

I'm not only scared of Halloween clowns or the creepy clowns that keep popping up everywhere. I'm scared of even funny clowns with friendly faces. Even the silliest clowns with their seltzer squirters, and honky-horns and silly balloon animals strike terror into my heart. I break into a cold sweat. I can't speak. I can't even blink. Worst of all, I can't RUN!

Fear of clowns is called coulrophobia and it's a real Thing. I never had coulrophobia until I read Stephen King's "It". But once I met Pennywise the Clown in the pages of King's brilliantly terrifying novel, I became afflicted with the clown phobia - along with millions of other people. Some people even say Pennywise ruined their childhood!

See, Pennywise can do a ghastly magic trick: he (or It if you prefer) is a shapeshifter. He transforms himself into your deepest fears. It uses your worst phobias against you. If your phobia happens to be fear of clowns, well, more the better for old Pennywise. It wants to scare you because - direct Pennywise quote here - "You all taste so much better when you're afraid."

So you might think that I wouldn't have watched the 1990 mini-series starring Tim Curry as Pennywise, but I did. Did that made Things worse? Yep. Curry was brilliant, ghastly, hideous...in short the scariest clown ever. Now Hollywood is taking on King's novel again with a feature film due out this fall. Watch the extended trailer...if you dare.

Me, I'm going to find a place to hide now. I'll see you next week (unless Pennywise finds me),
Bobby
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, July 21, 2017
How did George Romero make zombies so terrifying? He made them your neighbors. "There's nothing scarier than the neighbors!" he once said. No kidding. Not to disparage my neighbors (in case they're reading this). My neighbors are fine upstanding folk who would never egg my house or toilet paper my trees. Or serve my brain on a hamburger bun at their next backyard cookout. Nice neighbors. Nice, nice neighbors.

Director George Romero made the classic "Night of the Living Dead" while other filmmakers working in his genre were flooding theaters with vampire and monster movies. Sure, zombies can be thought of as monsters, but Romero never saw them that way. He once said that the most monstrous characters in his zombie movies were the humans.

"Night of the Living Dead" served as a template for the hundreds (maybe thousands) of zombie movie and television show that followed with a few minor differences. It's not always a bite that turns someone into a zombie. Sometimes a virus gone wild infects people with zombie-ism. The variations on Romero's zombies are nearly infinite but one thing remains the same: the zombies reveal the worst (and the best) in ordinary humans.

George Romero passed away earlier this week (presumably without contracting zombie-ism).  The outpouring of mourning and admiration almost 'broke the Internet' as people took to social media to say a final goodbye to the director. George Romero once told an interviewer, "I have a soft spot in my heart for the zombies." Turns out we have a soft spot in our hearts, too - for the father of all zombies.

So long, George. We'll miss you and your zombies.
Bobby


Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, July 14, 2017
Sometimes, interacting with other human beings requires more strength than I physically possess. Since starting life over as a hermit and living on a mountain is only cool if you’re Luke Skywalker (and “cool” would be a stretch, because, seriously, dude? Your sister channeled her family angst into the Resistance and went on to become a General…), I like to battle social trials with sarcasm. Even when I’m in my usual “people-y” mood, I often find myself scrambling to replace the filter that fell out of my brain that is supposed to prevent me from saying something inappropriate. More often than not, I find it easier to just let my wardrobe speak for me. It’s fun with the added bonus of helping me avoid jail time or the ER. Luckily for me, we have T-shirts for every socially inappropriate situation!

Place For Opinion Tee
Dumb As You Look Tee
Remove Warning Labels Tee

Left Unsupervised Tee
For when it really wasn't your fault
Tribal Name Tee
I Don't Care Tee

Grab these and tons more of our exclusive “Defense Against Socializing” tees here. And at our ridiculously low prices, you’ll find they’re much easier on the wallet than say… bail money.

See you next week,

Bobby

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, July 7, 2017
By now, Things fans, you’ve probably figured out that I’m the kind of guy who likes to be prepared. I live by the old adage, “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” and my least-favorite phrases begin with, “If only…” Since I’ve already covered a couple of important emergency scenarios (see my posts on alien abduction and a zombie apocalypse), I’d like to share with you a few Things to help you navigate everyday situations as well.


5-In-1 Survival Knife
5-in-1 Survival Knife – It even has “Survival” in the name, so you know it’s helpful. This sucker includes a super-sharp stainless-steel blade, LED flashlight, fire starter, seat-belt cutter, AND glass breaker. Every vehicle needs this, trust me.

Extreme LED Headlight – Ever have
Extreme LED Headlightto change out your spark plugs on your lunch break? No, you haven’t because those buggers only kick the bucket at Dark-Thirty when you’
re in the middle of mountain country with no cell service. You need both hands when you’re digging around under the hood, and this headlight illuminates everyThing, keeping your hands free to work. Don’t be left in the dark with only the sound of pre-dawn banjos to keep you company!

Ultra UV Bonding Tool – Uh-oh… you knocked over the ancient vase that’s been in the family for 6 generations… Fret not! This pen-sized tool is perfect for fixing dang-near everyThing—and fast!  Works on metal, wood, ceramics, porcelain, glass, plastic, PVC pipe… you get the picture, right? Sand your surface, fill with included compound, and cure with built-in UV light for 8 seconds, and your great Aunt Mabel is none the wiser!

Ultra UV Bonding Tool
Battery Organizer And TesterBattery Organizer & Tester – It’s all well and good to have a sizeable stash of batteries, but who wants to waste time digging through a drawer, only to find out the battery you need is dead? Not me. This organizer can either hang on the wall or stash in a drawer and has over 80 compartments for storing nearly every type of battery you’d ever need—AND it includes a battery tester!

Solar Juice Pro Mobile ChargerSolar Juice Pro Mobile Charger – Hitting the beach or a theme park this summer? Bring this solar-powered charger with you! It’s about the size of a key fob and is able to recharge any 2 mobile devices at the same time. Carabiner clip attaches to bag, belt loop, or backpack, or keyring so it’s always available, even when those free charging kiosks are packed full of folks and you’ve got places to go.

Don’t be the “if only” guy! Discover loads more tools & gadgets here to help prepare you for All The Things!


See you next week,
Bobby

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, June 30, 2017
It’s almost that time of year again! Time for fireworks, parades, and BBQs celebrating that fateful day 241 years ago where we told the British Empire, “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” and declared our independence as a sovereign nation.

It’s also time for some Independence-Day trivia! So, without further ado…

Things You (Probably) Never Knew About Independence Day:

• America actually gained its independence on July 2 – Congress debated and revised the Declaration’s wording, and ultimately approved it on July 4. I say go ahead and celebrate on both days. America deserves it.
• Two Declaration of Independence signers died on the 50th anniversary of Independence Day – Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams—the only two signers to later serve as President—both died on July 4, 1826. The very definition of poetically tragic.
• Man’s unalienable rights weren’t originally “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” – Before Thomas Jefferson changed it, the Declaration read “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of property.” Jefferson’s edit makes perfect sense to me, because mowing all that property I’d attempt to pursue wouldn’t exactly make me happy.
• The draft of the printed Declaration of Independence was lost – Source copy used for the publicly distributed “Dunlap Broadside”, a draft believed to have been handwritten by Thomas Jefferson disappeared. Nicolas Cage doesn’t have it. We checked.
• The biggest fireworks display in the U.S. is Macy’s 4th of July fireworks in New York City – Packing a whopping 50,000 explosive effects into 25 minutes is apparently all it takes to get the attention of 3 million people every year. BOOM, BABY!
• You can blame Suicide Squad for Captain Steven Hiller not appearing in the Independence Day sequel – Despite how his portrayal of the heroic captain in 1996's Independence Day was largely responsible for kicking off Will Smith’s wildly successful film career, he didn’t return for the much-anticipated 20th-anniversary sequel. Smith was busy being Deadshot in Suicide Squad and couldn’t work Independence Day: Resurgence into his schedule. I’ll let you guess which of the two films got a better Rotten Tomatoes rating (hint: The “Joker’s” on Mr. Smith).

Have a safe and wonderful 4th of July, Things fans!

See you next week,
Bobby


Proud To Be An American Yard SignU.S. Bald Eagle Solar Dancer Star Shower Patriot - As Seen On TVThe Mountain Independence Eagle Tee
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
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