Things You Never Knew Existed
Things You Never Knew is the place to shop for novelties, gag gifts and hilarious t-shirts. We also offer magic tricks, novelty collectibles and bizarre toys, books and videos. Recycle
Friday, March 24, 2017
Forget Christmas.

Yeah, that’s right. You heard me!

April Fools’ Day is—hands-down—my favorite holiday. Even here at Things, I need an excuse for pulling pranks on the crew. April 1st gives me that excuse, so I take it and run with it, cackling.

I’m that guy who leaves out a bowl of Skittles mixed with M&Ms in the break room. I’m the one taping tiny pictures of Nicholas Cage on the underside of computer mice (even the track-ball ones, because, as it turns out, I’m occasionally an idiot…). I’m even the guy who puts glitter in desktop portable fans.

Wait… that last one’s happening this year. (Don’t tell anyone, OK? It’ll be our sparkly secret.)

Looking for some new ammunition for the office? Some shiny gems to bring to your next White Elephant Gift Exchange? Well, look no further than Novelties You Never Knew Existed!

Pranks In A Tin: This classic arsenal’s gotcha covered from top to “bottom” with a fake nail through the finger, hand buzzer, Whoopy Cushion, and more fun Things.

Gag Lotto Tickets: Give your coworkers a desperate ray of hope only to SNATCH IT AWAY AND RUN FOR THE HILLS! Every scratch-off is a winner. The recipients? Not so much.

Poop Soap: It’s actual soap, but it looks like a big ole butt truffle. Leave it by the sink in the office bathroom. (Bonus points if you leave it on your “favorite” coworker’s keyboard instead.)

Remote Control Fart Machine: This delightful device “speaks” for itself. All the obnoxious blasting without the noxious “ghosts of burritos past”.

So, what are you waiting for? Head on over to Things You Never Knew Existed and peruse our entire collection of pranks, toys, games, and gadgets, and load up in time for that White Elephant Gift Exchange!

Let the shenaniganery begin!

See you next week,

Posted by: Bobby | 8:01 AM | permalink
Friday, March 17, 2017
You’ve heard the stories: Some chap wakes up in the middle of the night to blinding lights glaring through his window. His house shudders on the foundation. Shadowy figures remove him from his bedroom with the power of their collective minds alone, bringing him aboard their spacecraft. They then share with him the most deliciously spicy chicken-fajita casserole this side of the Milky Way and send him back home with recipe in hand.

Ok. Probably not that last part, but I didn’t wanna go too in-depth with the alien-abduction scenario and fill your heads with probing questions too uncomfortable to ask.

Also, I’m hungry.

ANYWHO, we’re only three short days away from National Alien Abduction Day, so, I have taken it upon myself to gather a few handy tips for those who want to be prepared to be “one of the chosen” on this most-cherished of holidays here at Things:

    Living Large Book
    Go from Couch Potato to Sofa King Buff.
  •  Get pumped. (And I don’t mean get excited, but really, how could you NOT?) If you get snatched out of your bed for a 2:30AM green-guy experimental checkup, you want to give your abductors the best possible specimen to examine. Plus, the last Thing we want the Martians to know is that we’re pushovers. Show them we’re a force to be reckoned with by following the Living Large plan and bulk up. Also, we hear having sculpted muscles makes one more attractive in general. Do us a solid and let us know if this is indeed the case. In the name of science, of course.

    Survival Water Filter
    One can't survive on tequila alone.
  • Keep a water-filtration kit near the bed. We’ve all been warned not to drink the water in Mexico if you’re not a local. Doctor Who has warned us not to drink the water on Mars. The solution to your inevitable close-encounter with the thirsty kind? Filter your water so you’re less likely to be a host to parasitic murder bugs. You may remember our friend, the Survival Water Filter from last week's post. Why do we suggest you keep your kit by the bed? Because it’s unlikely that your abductor will be kind enough to let you pack before you board the Fun Ship. You’re welcome.
Secret Clothes Hook Camera
What else can hold your jacket AND record
incriminating evidence at the same time?

  • Install a motion-detecting spy camera. If one Thing remains constant from abductee testimonials, it’s that very few people believe victims have been abducted. Combat this ignorance with concrete proof! We have a nifty clothes hook with a built-in camera that is perfect for this very purpose. As soon as someThing moves, this unassuming I Told You So machine goes into spy mode and records all the evidence you need to rub in your coworkers’ faces.

Advanced Scar Therapy
Drunken Navel-Piercing
Incident of 2012 = Gone

And if your extra-terrestrial rendezvous isn’t the party you hoped it would be?
  • Make your skin beautiful again. No need for physical reminders of not-quite-fun times if you don’t want ‘em. Just know that while our Advanced Scar Therapy can help you kiss those scars goodbye, you’ll probably need a different kind of therapy for the emotional kind. 
See you next week (unless they keep me on the Mother Ship),


Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, March 10, 2017
I don’t mean to alarm everyone, but yesterday was PANIC DAY WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!?!

Go ahead and grab yourself a paper bag if you need one, I’ll wait.

Take some deep breaths.

Try not to focus on your unpaid bills.

…Or the news.

…Or that big project you’ve been putting off.

…Or how badly unprepared you are to handle a zombie apocalypse and the inevitable fall of civilization.

WAIT! I actually have a few Things to help with that last one!

TRS Survival Kit
The TRS Survival Kit fits in your pocket and has everyThing you need to catch, hang, clean, and cook all manner of creek critters and keep you from staring hungrily at your next door neighbor (in actual hunger—not the kind of hunger that might have earned you a restraining order had law and order not just collapsed).
Survival Water Filter

It’s not always convenient to build a fire and boil your drinking water. This handy Survival Water Filter makes it easy to safely drink from virtually any water source—no pyrotechnics necessary! Besides, even if zombies are roaming around, spreading their death pox, do you know what ordinary, healthy animals do in the water? It ain’t pretty. Filter your H20.

Prepper's Guide To Knots Book
One Thing that can stand between you surviving and becoming worm food is a length of rope. I kid you knot. Our Prepper’s Guide to Knots gives you step-by-step instructions for 100 of the most useful tying techniques required to survive any disaster. Including zombies. Most likely.  

How To Stay Alive In The Woods BookFor everyThing else, there’s this comprehensive handbook on How to Stay Alive in the Woods. Learn what’s safe to eat, how to stay warm, make shelter, signal for help, and basically keep your brain in your noggin where it belongs.

Are you breathing easier yet?

I sure am.

As long as I don’t turn on the news.

…Or check my mail.

…Or my calendar.


See you next week,

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, March 3, 2017
Things You (Probably) Never Knew That Happened This Week: A History Lesson...Of Sorts.
Star Trek Mr. Spock 50th Anniversary Collectible Coin
  • Monday marked the two-year anniversary of Leonard Nimoy's passing. I know. I can't believe he's been gone this long, either. The Vulcan salute still makes me emotional. I feel a STAR TREK marathon coming on...
    Tiger Eye Faith Bracelet
  • Tuesday was not only "Fat Tuesday", it was also the Feast Day for Saint Hilarius, a former Pope who is apparently not the patron saint of jesters, like my seventh-grade history teacher said he was. Regardless of which of these events you celebrated, there's a good chance you're giving someThing up for the next few weeks in the spirit of self-sacrifice. If Lent is a struggle, and you need a token or two of spiritual guidance, we've got you covered:
    Bacon Boss - As Seen On TV
  • Wednesday was both Justin Bieber's birthday and National Pig Day. One of these two creatures makes a distinct, often bothersome noise and occasionally requires someone else to clean up a mess they left behind. The other gives us bacon.
Night Vision Wi-Fi Spy Tank
    The Mountain Soldier Silhouette Tee
  • Yesterday was Daniel Craig's—a.k.a. James Bond's—birthday. All the more reason to get your spy on (and pretend that beer is a dry martini). 

  • Today is the 86th anniversary of when we adopted the Star Spangled Banner as our national anthem (nearly 120 years after Francis Scott Key wrote his famous poem). Another great opportunity to remember how America is the land of the free because of the brave.

Just like winter, this week is almost history! I sure hope I helped you learn someThing new today, and if you're filled with an overwhelming thirst for more history knowledge (the mostly bacon-free and completely Bieber-free kind), hop on over to Things You Never Knew Existed and get your hands on some History Things.

May Saint Hilarious bless you, may you "live long and prosper", and may you always remember beer should be neither shaken nor stirred.

See you next time,

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, February 24, 2017
My birthday’s coming up, and, to be perfectly honest, it makes me feel kinda old. In the grand scheme of Things, I’m more Spring Chicken than Dinosaur, but I don’t get carded as often as I used to, and my joints sound like a bowl of cereal when I’m stumbling up the steps after a long evening of Not Getting Carded.

Luckily for me, though, dinosaurs don’t (didn’t?) exactly suck. Sure, there are only a handful of these ancient critters left if you count alligators, giant tortoises, and the “seasoned gent” who lives next door to my uncle (I’m pretty sure his Social Security number is 27), but there’s much to be said for once dominating a planet and remaining relevant millions of years after you and your velociraptor cousins decided to check out that insane meteor shower. Personally, I count myself lucky that my mailman finally stopped calling me “Steve” last week, so I’m pretty sure nobody’s gonna remember me in a few thousand centuries.

One could only wonder, though, had the Tyrannosaurus Rex flexed its miniature cerebrum more often, if he and his buddies would still be around. Then again, were that the case, they’d be our overlords now, and we wouldn’t have tasty Things like chicken.  Or this sweet T. Rex lamp!
Tyrannosaurus Rex Lamp
If Ben Franklin only knew how we
used the results of his kite experiment...

T-Rex Dinosaur Shaker Set
Could you imagine ole Rex with his little arms trying to replace the bulb?

…or season his Triceratops steak?

(I can, and it’s a Thing of beauty.)

Finally! A delicious excuse
for owning only one pot!
If you’re simply grateful to be on top of the food chain, taking advantage of our evolutionary blessings—like the mightily delicious chicken—maybe a few new recipes are more up your alley.

Mmmm… chicken pot pie. Might have to make one for my birthday in honor of being one step closer to Dinosaur Status.

Until next week,

Bobby (not Steve)
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, February 17, 2017
It’s almost Presidents’ Day—you know what that means? Mattress sales! No battling school buses on your morning commute (school-bus battles are brutal—those kids got serious game)! Three-day weekend!

In all seriousness, Presidents’ Day was originally established to recognize and honor the birth of George Washington. While our first President’s birthday actually falls on February 22nd (on the Gregorian calendar, for you history purists), we celebrate it on the third Monday of February. Why? So the day can be observed to honor all U.S. presidents? While many Americans do observe Presidents’ Day in this manner,  the date was actually adjusted to give those who work for our government more three-day weekends. No joke. The Uniform Monday Holiday Act was passed in 1971 for the purpose of changing the dates of certain federal holidays so that they fall on a Monday, thus giving government employees more Mondays off.

Lucky saps.

We tried something similar here at Things, but despite our best efforts, International Goof Off Day has failed to be recognized on our company-wide holiday calendar two years in a row. We’re hoping 2017 will prove third time’s a charm…

So, what are some Things YOU can do to celebrate ol’ George’s birthday? Well, I have a few suggestions:
  •  Binge-watch Presidential documentaries on the History channel
  • Wear a powdered wig while you’re out buying that sweet new mattress
  • Take a hatchet to a cherry tree*
  • Snag some amazing collectible currency featuring Mr. Washington’s handsome mug that you can later pass on to a youngster—history FTW!
*If you choose this option, make sure it’s your own cherry tree. My neighbor got a little angry over last year’s Presidents’ Day celebration, even though he got a cherry pie out of the deal. You just can’t please everyone…

See you next week,
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, February 10, 2017
Magic has been around for about 5,000 years or so. The Westcar Papyrus, tells five tales of illusionists performing in the Pharaohs' courts. As one messy story goes, a magician named Dedi beheaded and then restored several animals for Egyptian king, Cheops.

Street magic seems new, but it's not. Ancient Greek tales describe street magicians performing variations of the "cups and balls" trick (using rocks instead of balls).   Magicians didn't have anywhere but the street to perform and they didn't carry their own props; they had to use Things they could find or get from their audience to perform slight-of-hand illusions.

The Indian Rope Trick was described over 600 years ago, but it's impossible to recreate as told. The full trick goes like this: a magician suspends a rope in the air while a boy climbs up it hurling insults at the audience. The magician follows, disappears out of sight and body parts rain down on the ground. The magician descends the rope, picks up the parts, puts them in a basket and shakes it. The boy then emerges from the basket unharmed. Only parts of this famous trick can be recreated as told.

And then there was Black Herman - a magician who won fame and fortune for being buried alive and then coming back to life - even after his death. One night he collapsed onstage and really died. After which his faithful fans gathered outside the funeral home, waiting to see the rest of the "trick." Herman's assistant, who knew his boss better than anyone, suggested to the funeral home that the magician would have charged admission. So they did.

Sadly for his fans, Black Herman didn't come back from his last trick. And there were no refunds offered.

See you next week,

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink

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