Things You Never Knew Existed
Things You Never Knew is the place to shop for novelties, gag gifts and hilarious t-shirts. We also offer magic tricks, novelty collectibles and bizarre toys, books and videos. Recycle
Friday, April 21, 2017
Rock & Roll Guitar Heaven Tee You wanna know a little secret? I play guitar. I'm certainly no Rock God, but my trusty six-string and I have been known to musically entertain my dog and annoy the neighbors just for the sheer fun of it. Why am I sharing this with you? Well, Things fans, April is International Guitar Month, and not only is it a great reason for getting your hands on a few new guitar Things, it's also the excuse you never knew you needed for rocking out in the garage, basement, or local open-mic venue; mastering a complicated solo, starting a band, or even taking up guitar for the very first time!

If that last option speaks to you on a visceral level, but horror E-Z Chord Guitar Device attaches to your guitar neck and replaces difficult finger moves with four buttons, using just one finger. If finger sensitivity or dexterity issues aren't a problem, but you find you still need a "hand" with fretting, we also have the Chord Buddy. This gadget works kinda like training wheels for your guitar by taking the guesswork out of playing chords while helping transition you to using strings alone.
Shred Attack Necklace stories of blistered fingertips and pain from playing chords makes you wanna take up yodeling instead, fret not! (See what I did there?) If you have extra-sensitive fingers, painful arthritis, or even if you're missing a finger or four, you can still play that guitar!  The

Intimidated by guitars but wanna start "small"? You could give the ukulele a go! Not only is this mini music maker insanely trendy right now, a lot of the basics for playing can be applied to the guitar should you decide to make that leap. We even have a ukulele kit to get you started.

Before I sign off, I'd like to leave you budding rock-n-roll hall-of-farmers with a few (hopefully) helpful tips:

  • If a new guitar is out of your price range, hit up pawn shops, online classifieds, and yard sales
  • Some music shops will clean and restring your guitar for the low price of a new pack of strings (note: the guys and gals at these shops can easily become your best friends)
  • The Internet is also you friend - you can find articles and tutorials for everyThing from guitar maintenance and playing songs, to finding other local guitar heroes and even starting that band already--seriously, what are you waiting for?
  • A medium-to-heavy guitar pick (or driver's license, debit card, store loyalty card... anyThing with a hard edge) can help you build those fretting calluses quickly. Keep one in your pocket and occasionally give the edge a squeeze with your fingertips throughout the day until practice time.
  • Practice daily--not only to get better, but also to ensure those new calluses don't disappear (and also because it's fun, duh.)
  • Keep forgetting which string is which? Starting from the bass (thickest) strings, keep in mind my favorite mnemonic device: Eddie Ate Dynamite. Good Bye, Eddie.
Skull Stars SocksRock out with your socks out!

See you next week,


E-Z Chord Guitar Device and DVD Kit Chord Buddy Guitar Learning System Ukulele Instrument And Instruction Kit
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, April 14, 2017
April is Stress Management Month. I find this profoundly appropriate given the deadline for filing my taxes is rapidly approaching, I'm fresh out of coffee, and switching to more "spirited" beverages during the tax-filing process is a surefire way to meet an IRS agent in person. Even the most carefree folks can get stressed this time of year.

New Improved Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter - As Seen On TV Money Plant Mini TerrariumBut fear not, Things fans, because April also happens to be Lawn & Garden Month, AND this week is Garden Week!  Exciting, right? Well, when you take into account how gardening is known to promote relaxation and reduce stress[1], it's worth looking into if you don't already possess a pair of green thumbs. You can get started by growing your own tomatoes with the new & improved Topsy Turvy, and breathing in the soothing, tangy aroma of saving dough on those expensive organic tomatoes at the store.  Not able to grow stuff outside? Try "indoor gardening" with a money plant, instead[2].

Another F*cking Coloring Book Chill The F*ck Out Coloring BookGardening isn't for everyone, but you know what is? Coloring. I know, I know, colornig books are EVERYWHERE now, and not everyone likes coloring flowers, kittens, and puppies...but how about a tastefully framed F-bomb? Or an expletive-laden inspirational quote that would make Grandma blue[3]? If swearing is your second language, then you'll wanna color the "eff" outta these. Fair warning, though--you may still come across the occasional flower, kitten, and puppy. Check out our entire arsenal of coloring books here. I've even thrown in a few of the "clean" ones as well as a selection of Art Weapons[4] just to shake Things up a little.

Of course, if getting your hands and art dirty doesn't help with the stress, there's always meditation.
Bronze Buddha Figure



1. The Internet told me so.
2. BONUS: No need to report this bad boy to the IRS
4. "Art Weapons" sounds so much cooler than "Coloring Pencils".
Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, April 7, 2017
April is here, but you know what’s not? Her baby. I don’t know what’s worse: waiting for this baby giraffe’s arrival, or the fact that it wasn’t revealed on April 1st that the whole laboring-giraffe Thing was some beautifully elaborate April Fools’ Joke. I really had my hopes up for that…

On a more serious note (stop laughing), we’d like to remind everyone that today is No Housework Day!

You’re welcome.

That being said, a little Spring Cleaning never hurt anyone (except for germs, but that’s kinda the point), so when it’s time to get back to work, we invite you to check out some of our handy household Things to ensure a more squeaky-clean abode.

When was the last time you cleaned your baseboards? I did mine last weekend. Before then? Well… that date is harder to pin down. Since no one likes getting on their hands and knees for someThing as un-fun as cleaning, we have the Baseboard Buddy®. Save your back and knees—just walk and glide that grime away!

Did you know cleaning the shower doesn’t have to be awful? The Turbo Scrub™ 360° comes with 3 rotating scrub heads that spin away soap scum, mildew, and other gunk that has no business existing anywhere. You can even use it on patio furniture, tire rims, or the pool. Clean all the Things! (Within reason—your sister’s ancient Shar-Pei should go to a groomer.)

Is your closet overcrowded? If your wardrobe is the clothes version of a clown car, you need the Wonder Hanger MAX™. These genius hangers each hold up to 5 garments and “cascade” down to give you extra space. They also help keep your work shirts from getting more wrinkles than an ancient Shar-Pei.

Spring Cleaning can wait until tomorrow.  Today, celebrate No Housework Day with a little stress-free procrastination. Along with your new Spring Cleaning helpers, you’ll find plenty of procrastination aids over at Things You Never Knew Existed, all of which are infinitely more constructive than watching along with the rest of the planet as a mother giraffe continues to not give birth, and occasionally screaming, “COULD YOU AT LEAST MAKE AN EFFORT, APRIL, SO WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR LIVES ALREADY?!?!”

Baseboard Buddy - As Seen On TV       Turbo Scrub 360° - As Seen On TV    Wonder Hanger MAX - As Seen On TV

See you next week,


Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, March 31, 2017
Today is a special day... It’s Friday! AND it's April Fools’ Day Eve!

It’s also Obi-Wan Kenobi’s birthday!

Well, it’s Ewan McGregor’s birthday, and regardless of whether that makes him “Newbie-Wan”, or “Only-Wan” depending on where your STAR WARS Saga loyalties lie, we here at Things believe that totally counts.

Without further ado…. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MASTER KENOBI!!!!!

What better way to celebrate the noble Jedi Knight than by joining the Rebel Alliance? (Suit up here.)

Star Wars Oval Mug
That's no's a java station!
…or chugging your morning java from the Death Star? (Note: that’s java, the beverage… not to be confused with Jabba the Hutt—we strongly advise against chugging anything Jabba related. That’s just gross.)

Star Wars Lightsaber Room Light With Sound
Totally not my bedroom.
…or BUILDING YOUR OWN LIGHTSABER WHAT?! Yep. Construct and display this wall-mounted light-up model (with sound!) and pick your color. I recommend blue in honor of the birthday boy. You can change colors tomorrow should you feel the need, or you can just do what I did and get 8 of these suckers to form a Jedi rainbow on the wall, because why not?  

Need more STAR WARS gear? Fear not!  These are the STAR WARS Things you’re looking for.

On that note, let us all raise our lightsabers in tribute to Sir McGregor (Jedi Knight! Totally counts!) on this celebratory day: May the Force be with you always, and may you never be tempted by the Dark Side--we hear they use expired bantha milk in those cookies they keep promising anyway...

See you next week,

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, March 24, 2017
Forget Christmas.

Yeah, that’s right. You heard me!

April Fools’ Day is—hands-down—my favorite holiday. Even here at Things, I need an excuse for pulling pranks on the crew. April 1st gives me that excuse, so I take it and run with it, cackling.

I’m that guy who leaves out a bowl of Skittles mixed with M&Ms in the break room. I’m the one taping tiny pictures of Nicholas Cage on the underside of computer mice (even the track-ball ones, because, as it turns out, I’m occasionally an idiot…). I’m even the guy who puts glitter in desktop portable fans.

Wait… that last one’s happening this year. (Don’t tell anyone, OK? It’ll be our sparkly secret.)

Looking for some new ammunition for the office? Some shiny gems to bring to your next White Elephant Gift Exchange? Well, look no further than Novelties You Never Knew Existed!

Pranks In A Tin: This classic arsenal’s gotcha covered from top to “bottom” with a fake nail through the finger, hand buzzer, Whoopy Cushion, and more fun Things.

Gag Lotto Tickets: Give your coworkers a desperate ray of hope only to SNATCH IT AWAY AND RUN FOR THE HILLS! Every scratch-off is a winner. The recipients? Not so much.

Poop Soap: It’s actual soap, but it looks like a big ole butt truffle. Leave it by the sink in the office bathroom. (Bonus points if you leave it on your “favorite” coworker’s keyboard instead.)

Remote Control Fart Machine: This delightful device “speaks” for itself. All the obnoxious blasting without the noxious “ghosts of burritos past”.

So, what are you waiting for? Head on over to Things You Never Knew Existed and peruse our entire collection of pranks, toys, games, and gadgets, and load up in time for that White Elephant Gift Exchange!

Let the shenaniganery begin!

See you next week,

Posted by: Bobby | 8:01 AM | permalink
Friday, March 17, 2017
You’ve heard the stories: Some chap wakes up in the middle of the night to blinding lights glaring through his window. His house shudders on the foundation. Shadowy figures remove him from his bedroom with the power of their collective minds alone, bringing him aboard their spacecraft. They then share with him the most deliciously spicy chicken-fajita casserole this side of the Milky Way and send him back home with recipe in hand.

Ok. Probably not that last part, but I didn’t wanna go too in-depth with the alien-abduction scenario and fill your heads with probing questions too uncomfortable to ask.

Also, I’m hungry.

ANYWHO, we’re only three short days away from National Alien Abduction Day, so, I have taken it upon myself to gather a few handy tips for those who want to be prepared to be “one of the chosen” on this most-cherished of holidays here at Things:

    Living Large Book
    Go from Couch Potato to Sofa King Buff.
  •  Get pumped. (And I don’t mean get excited, but really, how could you NOT?) If you get snatched out of your bed for a 2:30AM green-guy experimental checkup, you want to give your abductors the best possible specimen to examine. Plus, the last Thing we want the Martians to know is that we’re pushovers. Show them we’re a force to be reckoned with by following the Living Large plan and bulk up. Also, we hear having sculpted muscles makes one more attractive in general. Do us a solid and let us know if this is indeed the case. In the name of science, of course.

    Survival Water Filter
    One can't survive on tequila alone.
  • Keep a water-filtration kit near the bed. We’ve all been warned not to drink the water in Mexico if you’re not a local. Doctor Who has warned us not to drink the water on Mars. The solution to your inevitable close-encounter with the thirsty kind? Filter your water so you’re less likely to be a host to parasitic murder bugs. You may remember our friend, the Survival Water Filter from last week's post. Why do we suggest you keep your kit by the bed? Because it’s unlikely that your abductor will be kind enough to let you pack before you board the Fun Ship. You’re welcome.
Secret Clothes Hook Camera
What else can hold your jacket AND record
incriminating evidence at the same time?

  • Install a motion-detecting spy camera. If one Thing remains constant from abductee testimonials, it’s that very few people believe victims have been abducted. Combat this ignorance with concrete proof! We have a nifty clothes hook with a built-in camera that is perfect for this very purpose. As soon as someThing moves, this unassuming I Told You So machine goes into spy mode and records all the evidence you need to rub in your coworkers’ faces.

Advanced Scar Therapy
Drunken Navel-Piercing
Incident of 2012 = Gone

And if your extra-terrestrial rendezvous isn’t the party you hoped it would be?
  • Make your skin beautiful again. No need for physical reminders of not-quite-fun times if you don’t want ‘em. Just know that while our Advanced Scar Therapy can help you kiss those scars goodbye, you’ll probably need a different kind of therapy for the emotional kind. 
See you next week (unless they keep me on the Mother Ship),


Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink
Friday, March 10, 2017
I don’t mean to alarm everyone, but yesterday was PANIC DAY WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!?!

Go ahead and grab yourself a paper bag if you need one, I’ll wait.

Take some deep breaths.

Try not to focus on your unpaid bills.

…Or the news.

…Or that big project you’ve been putting off.

…Or how badly unprepared you are to handle a zombie apocalypse and the inevitable fall of civilization.

WAIT! I actually have a few Things to help with that last one!

TRS Survival Kit
The TRS Survival Kit fits in your pocket and has everyThing you need to catch, hang, clean, and cook all manner of creek critters and keep you from staring hungrily at your next door neighbor (in actual hunger—not the kind of hunger that might have earned you a restraining order had law and order not just collapsed).
Survival Water Filter

It’s not always convenient to build a fire and boil your drinking water. This handy Survival Water Filter makes it easy to safely drink from virtually any water source—no pyrotechnics necessary! Besides, even if zombies are roaming around, spreading their death pox, do you know what ordinary, healthy animals do in the water? It ain’t pretty. Filter your H20.

Prepper's Guide To Knots Book
One Thing that can stand between you surviving and becoming worm food is a length of rope. I kid you knot. Our Prepper’s Guide to Knots gives you step-by-step instructions for 100 of the most useful tying techniques required to survive any disaster. Including zombies. Most likely.  

How To Stay Alive In The Woods BookFor everyThing else, there’s this comprehensive handbook on How to Stay Alive in the Woods. Learn what’s safe to eat, how to stay warm, make shelter, signal for help, and basically keep your brain in your noggin where it belongs.

Are you breathing easier yet?

I sure am.

As long as I don’t turn on the news.

…Or check my mail.

…Or my calendar.


See you next week,

Posted by: Bobby | 8:00 AM | permalink

© 2017 Johnson Smith Co.