I'm not in love with the mall. Not even on a regular day. But on Black Friday? For-GET it. Not going. No way. Not doing it. Don't care what's on sale. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care. Won't go. Can't make me! [Insert kicking and screaming fit here.]

Why should I run around like a maniac chasing silly sales when my trusty old (and I do mean old) laptop can deliver deals to my door? Let the rest of the family fight their way through the mall. I'm staying right here in my pajamas and slippers. (Maybe I'll get dressed today. Maybe I won't.That's nobody's business but mine.) If you are a Black Friday resister like me, I've got a few Things you're going to L.O.V.E.!

Everyone needs an Ugly Sweater to ring in the season. If you live where it's hot ALL the time (like me) a t-shirt might have to do. Either way, it's better if your "gay apparel" is sarcastic, funny, or dripping with attitude. This Santa sweater fills the bill, plus - super bonus - it farts! And everyThing is festive when you dress it up in a Santa Hat and lights. Even a grinning skull!

Now...get ready...here's THE best Outdoor Decorating Thing of the season: the Star Shower. The Thing I like most: it's ridiculously easy to use. You just plug in the projector, pick a holiday slide, and turn it on. Voila! Outdoor decorating is done. There lots of different slides, so you never get tired of your decorations even if (like me) you don't get around to taking them down, like, ever.

No Christmas is complete without jelly beans in your stocking, under the tree, or on the goodie table. (Preferably all three!) Thanks to the super geniuses at Jelly Belly, now you can get your favorite Krispy Crème donut flavors in a jelly bean! My favorite: Chocolate Iced with Sprinkles. They really do taste like Krispy Crème! How do they do that?


Finally, here's a Thing I could have used yesterday: the Click and Go Belt. It expands with your belly, which isn't an excuse to shove your face full of unlimited quantities of food (like me), but sure helps if you lose your cool (like me) and eat everyThing in sight (like me).

You don't have to fight the crowds, the traffic, rabid bargain hunters, or the weather. Just make some coffee, slip on your slippers, settle into your favorite chair and get clicking. With plenty of Things online, there's more than one way to conquer a Christmas list!

Happy Holidays!
Bobby

Thanksgiving is a top holiday in my book. Not just for the food (yum!) and football (all day! Yay!), but it's also a time to think about the Things that make us happy. The Things that make us rich - despite the red ink on our bank statements. (Okay, maybe that's just me.) You know, all the Things we're thankful for...

My memory being what it is...um...pretty much nonexistent, I usually make a list of the Things I'm thankful for. I'm happy (and grateful) to say it's a pretty long list, so I'll just give you the top 3:

Family: I have a big family. A very Big Family. I'd like to say it's all "Leave it to Beaver" perfect, but that would be a Big Fat Lie. We're waaaaaaay too normal for that. We have disagreements. We fight over silly Things that don't matter. All of us - even the youngest kids - are LOUDLY opinionated. (SO not our fault. I blame genetics). But it doesn't matter. When the holidays roll around, we put all that aside and become one Big Happy Family - sorta kinda like TV families - but with practical jokes, pranks, and fart noises at the holiday table.

Health: Not just mine, which is (knock wood) pretty good. I'm mostly grateful for the good health of my friends and my family. Especially my parents. I'm happy that they're still with us to take places of honor at the Thanksgiving table. Mom still makes her top secret stuffing recipe (it tastes exactly the same as it did when I was a kid - how does she DO that every single time?!). And Dad still makes his "gobble-gobble" and a few...errrrrr... let's just say "less delicate" noises while he's carving the turkey. Hey, tradition is important.

Things: Not material Things, either. What I'm grateful for is being able to work here at Things You Never Knew Existed. I get to play with all kinds of cool toys. I get to meet our awesome customers through this blog, our social network, and sometimes on the phone. I'm so lucky to spend my days doing Things I love.

Oh...wait...there's another Big Thing that makes me super grateful: in our family, pranks, tricks, and fun with flatulence never take a holiday - no matter how serious we're supposed to be.

Happy Thanksgiving. See you on Black Friday,
Bobby

From the time I can remember until I "grew up" (ha! as if!), I was sure I would be a famous rockstar. I was gonna crank my amp to, like, 11, man. I'd be the guitarist that kids love and parents hate. Like, it was totally my destiny, man.

I'd ride in a super sweet tour bus with my name in big letters and a flaming flying V guitar painted on the side. I'd go from city to city filling arenas to the rafters. Hordes of screaming SuperFans would follow me everywhere.

Best of all the world's greatest guitar players would copy my brilliant guitar licks without giving credit where it was due. But I wouldn't sue - that's not my Thing. No, instead I'd give away my massive talent and accept the flattery of imitation with my totally superior grace. (Okay, and a giant dose of smug satisfaction. Hey, I'm only human.)

What I didn't know then that would later shape my destiny is this: playing guitar is HARD, man.

Especially if you don't practice. Which I didn't.

I was always too distracted by the next new, cool Thing at Dad's company. I could never settle down and get serious about...well...anyThing except farting, gadgety, funny, and pranky Things.

Don't cry for poor moi...I also said I wanted to be a teacher, an astronaut, a stand-up comic, a fireman, a writer (Hey! That one sort of worked out!), a stuntman, and, well...you get it.

Anyway, Dad's business was the only Thing that I really worked at. Some people say I have "talent" for it. Just between you and me, what I really have is tons and tons of "practice, man, practice".

Since I didn't (don't, won't) practice guitar, my rockstar dreams are not to be. That's okay by me. These days I'm happy playing air guitar - and the radio. But, man, I'd still like to have that tour bus...

Play on, my friends. I'll see you next week.
Bobby

This Sunday most of us will be compelled to 'Fall Back' by setting our clocks back one hour. Did I mention how much I despise the time change? I think I did...once or twice or a hundred times. But, hey, I'm not here to complain. (This week.)

I'm here to say, "Grab hold of your 'extra' hour on Sunday and don't let go!" Think about it: we've been OWED that hour since we were so inhumanely forced to Spring Forward. (But who's bitter? Not me.)

Soooo...moving right along...there's some good news from the belly of this beastly madness: we're getting our hour back on Sunday.

Now that's someThing to celebrate, don't you think? I'm guessing that's why some brainiac blogger came up with a new holiday ‐ Zero Tasking Day - on the day we Fall Back. Grab your so‐called 'extra' hour (along with the rest of the day!) and use it for whatever you want.

        Nap? Great!
        Two naps? Greater!
        Three naps (aka sleeping all day)? SpecTACular!

Not a good napper? Yeah, me either. But that doesn't mean you have to miss out on your Slothful Sunday. You could read a book. Listen to music. Watch TV. Or just sit there staring into space ‐ as long as you don't do One Single Thing.

What am I doing? #MovieDay! It's gonna be all movies. All. The. Time.

I can't even be bothered to search for someThing to stream online. I just laid in a stock of DVDs. I've got my comedies: the Stooges and wild man Jeff Dunham. I've got classic horror flicks from Vincent Price to Bella Lugosi. I've got a Wide World of Weird and Wonderful Things to watch, including a collection of bizarre Things that happened right here in America and a new video about visionary Nikola Tesla, which I've been dying to watch but I couldn't find the time. (Oh, the irony, right?) I even got pre‐bagged popcorn because even microwaving is a task, isn't it? And Zero Tasking means 0 ‐ as in not even one, right?

Pretty sure I'm getting the hang of Zero Tasking Day already. And if Things go as planned, I think I'm gonna like this new holiday. A lot.

See you next week,
Bobby