Back in the day - and I do mean back in the day - back when...
       …people still sent cash in the mail…
       ...we had lots of Things that cost a dime…
       ...I was at the perfect height to suffer the full wind of adult farts right in my face…
…waaaaaaaay back then, I started working here.

My official job was peeling dimes off of the order forms and tossing them into a cash box. My unofficial job was (is) to catch my coworkers off guard (newbies beware!) with pranks and practical jokes. My favorite? A strategically concealed Whoopee Cushion. It’s still one of my best go-to moves. Thing is, my beloved Whoopee almost didn’t make it to market.

The story goes like this: some folks at the Jem Rubber Company were experimenting with scraps when they discovered that putting two sheets of rubber together with air between them would make realistic farting sounds. The crew thought their discovery was hilarious and they wanted to share it with the world. (Obviously, they were My Kind of People.)

Anyway, back then the S.S. Adams company was a Big Dog in the novelty business. Jem took the invention to the owner Samuel Adams (not to be confused with the beer guy - this Sam was a practical joke inventor). Adams turned up his nose at the Whoopee. He said it was “too vulgar” and would never sell.

But Jem didn't give up on their farting find. When they finally got the Whoopee out to the people, it was so popular they couldn't keep the Things on the shelves. A year after rejecting Jem’s ‘vulgar’ invention, S.S. Adams released their own version, the Razzberry Cushion, which no one remembers now. (A lesson for all of us: never underestimate the power of the fart!)

People don't send cash in the mail anymore (smart!), Things cost a little more than a dime, and these days I'm tall enough to be the one blowing wind instead of inhaling it, but Things that fart, sound like farts, and smell like farts are still some of our bestsellers. And now there's more to offer than the humble Whoopee - we have electronic fart machines (technology improves our lives in so many ways, don't you think?), farting stuffed toys, fart extinguishers, you name it. But even with all those Things at my fingertips, my first love will always be the one I almost never met: the Whoopee.

See you next week,
Bobby

What if Bigfoot is real? What if UFOs are visiting planet earth? What if they're working with the world's governments on some alien agenda?  What if politicians and governments are really no more than puppets for secret societies like the Illuminati? What if we're all living in a fake reality designed by a group of elites who manipulate everything we see, say, feel, do, and think?

Great mysteries like these make life such an interesting Thing. That's why I devote (probably a little too much) time to the odd, the extreme, and the outlandish. In short, the freaky and unanswered "What If?" questions of our time. Like...

What if it's true that dozens of NASA astronauts have seen and reported UFOs? What if the space agency really has a written protocol for the sightings? Like shutting down live feeds from the International Space Station when someThing unidentified flies by? What if there's a secret space program that includes bases on the moon and Mars, orbital weapons platforms, and even "non-terrestrial officers" trained to fight alien races - in space?

What if secret societies like the Illuminati, the Freemasons, and Skull & Bones really want to take over the world? What's with the silly hats and the secret handshakes? What does it have to do with their true purpose? What are they up to behind those tightly locked doors? And what if they don't want to create and run a secret global government? What if that's just what they want us to think they want?

Which brings us to one of my favorites: what if none of this is real? What if we're in someThing like The Matrix only without the awesome special effects and the part about getting to hang out with Morpheus? What if we're all being manipulated by some giant, unseen and all-seeing super conspiracy to take over the world? Or the galaxy? Or the universe? If so, is it a human conspiracy or an alien agenda?

By now you might be thinking I need professional help. Can't say I blame you. But before you call out the guys in white coats, let me say one Thing: It's not that I believe  this stuff is true (at least not 100%). I just think it's best to keep an open mind because...you know...what if? 

See you next week,
Bobby

I spend a lot of time in my car in the summer. I love a good weekend road trip. Once a year I take my nephews on an adventure with me. Last month I took them up north to escape the balmy Florida heat. We headed up the highway to do some sightseeing and some camping.

When you're young, car trips are boring. Even more so for today's kids. I get it. Remembering last year - the more bored they get the more irritable I get - I decided to do a little pre-emptive shopping this year. I picked up some Things that (I hoped) would distract them so I could drive without hearing that age-old lament, "Are we there yet?"

Boom boxes might seem a bit Old School for the millennial generation, but with a built in television and Bluetooth connectivity this one is Da Bomb. It handled every kind of media they could throw at it - from MP3s to DVDs to SD cards packed with movies. It was their favorite of all the Things I picked up for them, including the mini arcade games, the ever-poopular fart machine, and the book of Spock's Logic Puzzles (okay, maybe that last Thing was for me).


The open road isn't all fun and games and our summer trips are the perfect way to teach my nephews about road safety. Before we leave, we go through a checklist to make sure we have all the Things we need if our trip north suddenly goes south. Besides an all-purpose emergency tool, jumper cables, and emergency batteries, you need more than one good flashlight. This year I added the Tac Light to my emergency kit. With about 40 times the brightness of a regular flashlight, this Thing can turn night into day. Thankfully, I haven't had to use it for an emergency, but I did hang it from a branch at our campsite so I could see what I was cooking.

With safety taken care of, there's no reason Uncle Bobby can't have some fun in the car, too. And what's more fun than a Duck Butt sticking out the back window? It attaches with suction cups, so you can easily detach it as the situation demands. For example, when you're at the campsite and your car is surrounded by live ducks who look at you sort of sideways and your nephews worry that maybe the real ducks don't find your little joke all that funny. Maybe that's a good time to stow the butt. Especially if you don't want to wake up to a truck covered in bird guano...

See you on the open road,
Bobby

I used to ask my parents to hire a clown for every one of my birthday parties. And if the clown could do magic? Well, that was a double-down win in my book. But now when I see a clown, I'm literally - and I do mean literally - paralyzed in terror. Thank you very much, Stephen King.

I'm not only scared of Halloween clowns or the creepy clowns that keep popping up everywhere. I'm scared of even funny clowns with friendly faces. Even the silliest clowns with their seltzer squirters, and honky-horns and silly balloon animals strike terror into my heart. I break into a cold sweat. I can't speak. I can't even blink. Worst of all, I can't RUN!

Fear of clowns is called coulrophobia and it's a real Thing. I never had coulrophobia until I read Stephen King's "It". But once I met Pennywise the Clown in the pages of King's brilliantly terrifying novel, I became afflicted with the clown phobia - along with millions of other people. Some people even say Pennywise ruined their childhood!

See, Pennywise can do a ghastly magic trick: he (or It if you prefer) is a shapeshifter. He transforms himself into your deepest fears. It uses your worst phobias against you. If your phobia happens to be fear of clowns, well, more the better for old Pennywise. It wants to scare you because - direct Pennywise quote here - "You all taste so much better when you're afraid."

So you might think that I wouldn't have watched the 1990 mini-series starring Tim Curry as Pennywise, but I did. Did that made Things worse? Yep. Curry was brilliant, ghastly, hideous...in short the scariest clown ever. Now Hollywood is taking on King's novel again with a feature film due out this fall. Watch the extended trailer...if you dare.

Me, I'm going to find a place to hide now. I'll see you next week (unless Pennywise finds me),
Bobby

How did George Romero make zombies so terrifying? He made them your neighbors. "There's nothing scarier than the neighbors!" he once said. No kidding. Not to disparage my neighbors (in case they're reading this). My neighbors are fine upstanding folk who would never egg my house or toilet paper my trees. Or serve my brain on a hamburger bun at their next backyard cookout. Nice neighbors. Nice, nice neighbors.

Director George Romero made the classic "Night of the Living Dead" while other filmmakers working in his genre were flooding theaters with vampire and monster movies. Sure, zombies can be thought of as monsters, but Romero never saw them that way. He once said that the most monstrous characters in his zombie movies were the humans.

"Night of the Living Dead" served as a template for the hundreds (maybe thousands) of zombie movie and television show that followed with a few minor differences. It's not always a bite that turns someone into a zombie. Sometimes a virus gone wild infects people with zombie-ism. The variations on Romero's zombies are nearly infinite but one thing remains the same: the zombies reveal the worst (and the best) in ordinary humans.

George Romero passed away earlier this week (presumably without contracting zombie-ism).  The outpouring of mourning and admiration almost 'broke the Internet' as people took to social media to say a final goodbye to the director. George Romero once told an interviewer, "I have a soft spot in my heart for the zombies." Turns out we have a soft spot in our hearts, too - for the father of all zombies.

So long, George. We'll miss you and your zombies.
Bobby

Sometimes, interacting with other human beings requires more strength than I physically possess. Since starting life over as a hermit and living on a mountain is only cool if you’re Luke Skywalker (and “cool” would be a stretch, because, seriously, dude? Your sister channeled her family angst into the Resistance and went on to become a General…), I like to battle social trials with sarcasm. Even when I’m in my usual “people-y” mood, I often find myself scrambling to replace the filter that fell out of my brain that is supposed to prevent me from saying something inappropriate. More often than not, I find it easier to just let my wardrobe speak for me. It’s fun with the added bonus of helping me avoid jail time or the ER. Luckily for me, we have T-shirts for every socially inappropriate situation!

For when you don't want to get  into another political discussion

For when that certain someone  needs some reassurance

For when you can't handle the massive  amounts of stupid everywhere you go

For when it really wasn't your fault

For when someone expects you  to defend your right to eat bacon

For when you simply have better things to mentally focus on

Grab these and tons more of our exclusive “Defense Against Socializing” tees here. And at our ridiculously low prices, you’ll find they’re much easier on the wallet than say… bail money.

See you next week,

Bobby

By now, Things fans, you’ve probably figured out that I’m the kind of guy who likes to be prepared. I live by the old adage, “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” and my least-favorite phrases begin with, “If only…” Since I’ve already covered a couple of important emergency scenarios (see my posts on alien abduction and a zombie apocalypse), I’d like to share with you a few Things to help you navigate everyday situations as well.


• 5-in-1 Survival Knife – It even has “Survival” in the name, so you know it’s helpful. This sucker includes a super-sharp stainless-steel blade, LED flashlight, fire starter, seat-belt cutter, AND glass breaker. Every vehicle needs this, trust me.

• Extreme LED Headlight – Ever have
to change out your spark plugs on your lunch break? No, you haven’t because those buggers only kick the bucket at Dark-Thirty when you’
re in the middle of mountain country with no cell service. You need both hands when you’re digging around under the hood, and this headlight illuminates everyThing, keeping your hands free to work. Don’t be left in the dark with only the sound of pre-dawn banjos to keep you company!

• Ultra UV Bonding Tool – Uh-oh… you knocked over the ancient vase that’s been in the family for 6 generations… Fret not! This pen-sized tool is perfect for fixing dang-near everyThing—and fast!  Works on metal, wood, ceramics, porcelain, glass, plastic, PVC pipe… you get the picture, right? Sand your surface, fill with included compound, and cure with built-in UV light for 8 seconds, and your great Aunt Mabel is none the wiser!

• Battery Organizer & Tester – It’s all well and good to have a sizeable stash of batteries, but who wants to waste time digging through a drawer, only to find out the battery you need is dead? Not me. This organizer can either hang on the wall or stash in a drawer and has over 80 compartments for storing nearly every type of battery you’d ever need—AND it includes a battery tester!

• Solar Juice Pro Mobile Charger – Hitting the beach or a theme park this summer? Bring this solar-powered charger with you! It’s about the size of a key fob and is able to recharge any 2 mobile devices at the same time. Carabiner clip attaches to bag, belt loop, or backpack, or keyring so it’s always available, even when those free charging kiosks are packed full of folks and you’ve got places to go.

Don’t be the “if only” guy! Discover loads more tools & gadgets here to help prepare you for All The Things!


See you next week,
Bobby