You’ve heard
the stories: Some chap wakes up in the middle of the night to blinding lights
glaring through his window. His house shudders on the foundation. Shadowy
figures remove him from his bedroom with the power of their collective minds
alone, bringing him aboard their spacecraft. They then share with him the most
deliciously spicy chicken-fajita casserole this side of the Milky Way and send
him back home with recipe in hand.
Ok. Probably
not that last part, but I didn’t wanna go too in-depth with the alien-abduction scenario and fill your heads with
probing questions too uncomfortable
to ask.
Also, I’m
hungry.
ANYWHO, we’re
only three short days away from National Alien Abduction Day, so, I have taken
it upon myself to gather a few handy tips for those who want to be prepared to
be “one of the chosen” on this most-cherished of holidays here at Things:
- Get pumped. (And I don’t mean get excited,
but really, how could you NOT?) If you get snatched out of your bed for a
2:30AM green-guy experimental checkup, you want to give your abductors the best
possible specimen to examine. Plus, the last Thing we want the Martians to know
is that we’re pushovers. Show them we’re a force to be reckoned with by
following the Living Large plan and bulk up. Also, we hear having sculpted muscles
makes one more attractive in general. Do us a solid and let us know if this is
indeed the case. In the name of science, of course.
- Keep a water-filtration kit near
the bed. We’ve all
been warned not to drink the water in Mexico if you’re not a local. Doctor Who
has warned us not to drink the water on Mars. The solution to your inevitable
close-encounter with the thirsty kind? Filter your water so you’re less likely
to be a host to parasitic murder bugs. You may remember our friend, the Survival Water Filter from last week's post. Why do we suggest you keep your kit by the bed? Because it’s
unlikely that your abductor will be kind enough to let you pack before you
board the Fun Ship. You’re welcome.
- Install a motion-detecting spy
camera. If one Thing
remains constant from abductee testimonials, it’s that very few people believe victims
have been abducted. Combat this ignorance with concrete proof! We have a nifty
clothes hook with a built-in camera that is perfect for this very purpose. As
soon as someThing moves, this unassuming I Told You So machine goes into spy
mode and records all the evidence you need to rub in your coworkers’ faces.
- School thine self. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, we’re all too happy to enlighten
fertile minds. Read up, watch up, wake up… and prepare to get beamed up!
And if your
extra-terrestrial rendezvous isn’t the party you hoped it would be?
- Make your
skin beautiful again. No need for physical reminders of not-quite-fun times if you don’t
want ‘em. Just know that while our Advanced Scar Therapy can help you kiss
those scars goodbye, you’ll probably need a different kind of therapy for the
emotional kind.
See you next week (unless they keep me on the Mother Ship),
