In the early 20th century, the majority of the condiments we know and love--including ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise--were imported from a large, now wildly popular, manufacturer in England. In 1912, this condiment manufacturer took advantage of the publicity surrounding the maiden voyage of a luxury cruise liner (that we all now hold responsible for robbing Leonardo DiCaprio of an Oscar 20 years ago), by utilizing said voyage to promote their brand and ship their largest-ever amount of cargo consisting of 5,000 containers each of ketchup and mustard, and 16,000 jars of mayonnaise to the U.S. and Mexico, the latter of which was to receive a little over 2/3 of the massive mayo shipment.

That shipment never arrived.

Shortly before midnight on the fourth day of this historic voyage, the cruise liner--the RMS Titanic, for those who missed my earlier tongue-in-cheek reference--hit an iceberg about 375 miles south of Newfoundland. On the morning of the fifth day, she sank. Rose broke her promise to "never let go," 1,503 people perished, and 26,000 condiment containers, including 10,700 jars of Mexico's long-awaited mayo plunged to the bottom of the ocean.

Which brings us to Mexico's day of remembrance for the tragedy now referred to as...

Wait for it...

Sinko de Mayo.

¡Olé!

Obviously (at least, I hope it's now obvious), most of what I just said is pure rubbish^[1]. In all seriousness, Things fans, happy Cindo de Mayo! For those not familiar with the history of this holiday, it's actually to honor the day Mexico's army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Today, Cinco de Mayo is also largely associated with celebrating the richness of Mexican-American culture, which is why folks of various nationalities now take to the streets to pound chimichangas, toast Saint Tequila, and don sombreros.

Just say "NO" to sinking mayo.

May the 4th (and 5th, and 6th) shots be with you!

How am I celebrating? For one, I'm preventing the sinking of my mayo by using my handy Condiment Gun. Though, I'm using one of the cartridges for sour cream, because nobody should shoot mayo on a taco. I'm also going to christen my new STAR WARS shot glasses with someThing strong enough to create a disturbance int The Force, because why not also celebrate STAR WARS Day^[2] at the same time?

¡Salud!

Bobby

1. EveryThing except the fact that the Titanic actually hit an iceberg, sank, and took 1,503 people with her. And that Leo was robbed. Why he had to get attacked by a bear before the Academy recognized his talent is beyond me.
2. Again. Because if you don't celebrate STAR WARS Day on May 4th like a good little Padawan, St. Yoda takes away your light saber.

IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE

Unless you've been living under a rock, you're probably aware of how folks have been FREAKING OUT over this fluffy rainbow monstrosity in a cup that was available for a limited time from some coffee company that's pretty popular. It resembled a glittery, cotton-candy-colored, sugar-loaded-unicorn-poop nightmare, and I, for one, am grateful this promotion has ended.

...and not at all bummed that I missed my shot because I failed to properly prioritize and get one in time.

Nope.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I've included a hastily scribbled illustration that should clear things up.

So, since there were no mythical creatures, cosmic-sugar-crystals, or coffee peddlers on the verge of strangling the next customer who ordered this cup of sweet, whipped terror on Monday morning, I had my caffeine dealer expertly fill my Darth Vader travel tumbler with piping-hot black coffee^[1] and I drank it down in three scalding swallows^[2] like God intended, dammit!

If you, too, are the kind of Things fan who likes to throw back their coffee like a Norse god on the dawn of victory^[3], we have plenty of java vessels with which to toast your inevitable triumph^[4].

We've got mugs that morph, shaped mugs, scary mugs, and mugs that destroy planets^[5].

No sparkly unicorn mugs, though. Sorry.



Cheers!

Bobby

1. With steamed milk, vanilla syrup, and a bunch of caramel, and shut up, it's delicious.
2. That's code for "a series of gentle sips because I was driving and wanted to savor my caramel life force on a Monday morning, give a guy a break, sheesh."
3. Or like an occasionally polite mortal named Bobby.
4. Or soothe your devastated soul because deadline is approaching and you're not allowed to drink rum on the job.
5. Not really, but we have at least one that certainly looks like it can.

You wanna know a little secret? I play guitar. I'm certainly no Rock God, but my trusty six-string and I have been known to musically entertain my dog and annoy the neighbors just for the sheer fun of it. Why am I sharing this with you? Well, Things fans, April is International Guitar Month, and not only is it a great reason for getting your hands on a few new guitar Things, it's also the excuse you never knew you needed for rocking out in the garage, basement, or local open-mic venue; mastering a complicated solo, starting a band, or even taking up guitar for the very first time!

If that last option speaks to you on a visceral level, but horror stories of blistered fingertips and pain from playing chords makes you wanna take up yodeling instead, fret not! (See what I did there?) If you have extra-sensitive fingers, painful arthritis, or you're even missing a finger or four, you can still play that guitar! E-Z Chord Guitar Device attaches to your guitar neck and replaces difficult finger moves with four buttons, using just one finger. If finger sensitivity or dexterity issues aren't a problem, but you find you still need a "hand" with fretting, we also have the Chord Buddy. This gadget works kinda like training wheels for your guitar by taking the guesswork out of playing chords while helping transition you to using strings alone.


Intimidated by guitars but wanna start "small"? You could give the ukulele a go! Not only is this mini music maker insanely trendy right now, a lot of the basics for playing can be applied to the guitar should you decide to make that leap. We even have a ukulele kit to get you started.

Before I sign off, I'd like to leave you budding rock-n-roll hall-of-farmers with a few (hopefully) helpful tips:

• If a new guitar is out of your price range, hit up pawn shops, online classifieds, and yard sales
• Some music shops will clean and restring your guitar for the low price of a new pack of strings (note: the guys and gals at these shops can easily become your best friends)
• The Internet is also your friend - you can find articles and tutorials for everyThing from guitar maintenance and playing songs, to finding other local guitar heroes and even starting that band already--seriously, what are you waiting for?
• A medium-to-heavy guitar pick (or driver's license, debit card, store loyalty card... anyThing with a hard edge) can help you build those fretting calluses quickly. Keep one in your pocket and occasionally give the edge a squeeze with your fingertips throughout the day until practice time.
• Practice daily--not only to get better, but also to ensure those new calluses don't disappear (and also because it's fun, duh.)
• Keep forgetting which string is which? Starting from the bass (thickest) strings, keep in mind my favorite mnemonic device: Eddie Ate Dynamite. Good Bye, Eddie.

April is Stress Management Month. I find this profoundly appropriate given the deadline for filing my taxes is rapidly approaching, I'm fresh out of coffee, and switching to more "spirited" beverages during the tax-filing process is a surefire way to meet an IRS agent in person. Even the most carefree folks can get stressed this time of year.

But fear not, Things fans, because April also happens to be Lawn & Garden Month, AND this week is Garden Week!  Exciting, right? Well, when you take into account how gardening is known to promote relaxation and reduce stress^[1], it's worth looking into if you don't already possess a pair of green thumbs. You can get started by growing your own tomatoes with the new & improved Topsy Turvy, and breathing in the soothing, tangy aroma of saving dough on those expensive organic tomatoes at the store.  Not able to grow stuff outside? Try "indoor gardening" with a money plant, instead^[2].

Gardening isn't for everyone, but you know what is? Coloring. I know, I know, coloring books are EVERYWHERE now, and not everyone likes coloring flowers, kittens, and puppies...but how about a tastefully framed F-bomb? Or an expletive-laden inspirational quote that would make Grandma blush^[3]? If swearing is your second language, then you'll wanna color the "eff" outta these. Fair warning, though--you may still come across the occasional flower, kitten, and puppy. Check out our entire arsenal of coloring books here. I've even thrown in a few of the "clean" ones as well as a selection of Art Weapons^[4] just to shake Things up a little.

Of course, if getting your hands and art dirty doesn't help with the stress, there's always meditation.

Namaste,

Bobby

1. The Internet told me so.
2. BONUS: No need to report this bad boy to the IRS
3. If Grandma's not a blusher, give that gal a high-five from me.
4. "Art Weapons" sounds so much cooler than "Coloring Pencils".