Summer is just around the corner! For many, that means warmer temps, no school-zone slowdowns on your daily commute, and endless outdoor shenanigans. This week, I want to share a few tips on how to get the best out of your summer.


• Go sleeveless - Exercise your right to “bare” arms and level up your pun game at the same time with this 2nd Amendment sleeveless denim shirt. Or rock your veteran status with this Vietnam Veteran tank top.




• Grill like a grownup - You can BBQ a mean burger, but what does that grill look like when you’re done? Steam clean that bad boy with the Grill Daddy® to get rid of all the grease and baked-on food without using harsh chemicals.


• Create your own force field - Keep mosquitoes and their plague-filled needle faces away without using sprays or candles by wearing a Personal Mosquito Repeller. Zika is noThing to screw with. Neither is West Nile Virus, Malaria, or… mosquitoes are evil, OK?



• Stay hydrated - No, don’t drink sunscreen. These “sunscreen” tubes and bottles are actually secret booze smugglers! Fill them up with your poison of choice to add a little spice to a dull cookout. Or simply use one as a water bottle at the beach and enjoy the looks of horror you get for chugging some SPF 30.

• Protect your noggin - Shield yourself from the sun with a wide-brimmed, breathable hat, like this Solarweave Breezer. SPF 50+ cotton fabric and extra-wide brim helps block 99% of the sun’s harmful UVB rays, and mesh crown helps keep you cool.


• Feel the breeze - We have an arsenal of fans to blow your hair back and cool you off! The iFan plugs into your iPhone®, this mini fan is more powerful than its size suggests, and the Kool Down™ is your own portable AC unit.

Check out our other summer Things here and start your summer off #LikeABoss.

On the behalf of everyone here at Things, I’d like to wish everyone an enjoyable and safe holiday weekend, as well as extend our heartfelt thanks to our military service members on this Memorial Day as we reflect upon and honor those who’ve given their lives for the freedoms we enjoy in the good ole US of A.

See you next week,

Bobby

I’d like to take a moment to give a huge shout-out to all Things fans serving in the U.S. Military. You guys are real-life superheroes, and your selflessness, bravery, and loyalty are an enormous part of what makes America great! Thank you for your service, and Happy Armed Forces Day!

For those unfamiliar with this holiday, you may be thinking, “Wait… is Bobby referring to Memorial Day?” or “Hold up… I thought Veterans Day was in November.”

Allow me to clear that up for you…

Tomorrow, is Armed Forces Day, a holiday celebrated every year on the third Saturday in May. In 1950, President Truman proclaimed Armed Forces Day to be a “combined demonstration by America’s defense team of its progress . . . towards the goal of readiness for any eventuality.”  In other words, it’s a day in which we honor the brave men and women who currently serve in all branches of the U.S. military, and they get to show us just how awesome they are (air show, anyone?).

Memorial Day, observed on the last Monday in May, originally began as Decoration Day following the Civil War, where citizens would decorate the graves of fallen Union soldiers. By the 20th century, it became known as Memorial Day and had been extended to honor all American military personnel who’ve died serving our country.

In 1938, Armistice Day was made a legal holiday to celebrate the cessation of hostilities between the Allied Nations and Germany on November 11, 1918, and to honor the veterans of the first World War. Following WWII and the Korean War, U.S. Congress later changed Armistice Day to Veterans Day to honor American veterans of all wars.

Put simply, Armed Forces Day honors current military personnel, Memorial Day honors--or memorializes--those who’ve died in military service, and Veterans Day honors those who have previously served in the military--including those who have paid the ultimate price in the line of duty.

If you’re looking for a unique way to honor the troops in your life, or show off your own military pride, we’ve got a wide variety of Military Things at ThingsYouNeverKnew.com. Check ‘em out, and if you see a fellow Things fan sporting one of our caps or tees, be sure to thank that patriot for their service!


See you next week,
Bobby

Happy Limerick Day!

Today we celebrate English artist/illustrator/author/poet/superhero Edward Lear's birthday by creating and sharing ridiculous limericks, a poetic style to which he has been widely credited.

I love a good limerick. Hell, I even love a bad limerick. For those horrifically unaware of this exquisite style of poetry, a limerick is a short, nonsense poem consisting of five lines. The first two lines rhyme with the fifth, and the second and third lines rhyme with each other. Purists suggest following a strict number of syllables per line, but that often proves limiting.^[1] In general, lines three and four are shorter than the others, and the stanza follows a bouncy rhythm called "anapestic meter". What this all boils down to is that they're not fancy-pants sonnets, and you don't have to be Shakespeare to whip one out (though, the bard has actually written a few, so no pressure, right?).

I've included a couple of helpful examples below, so you, too, can appreciate this fine linguistic art. The first was inspired by the day the Things Crew carried out their revenge for when I'd loaded all the office desk fans with glitter on April Fools' Day.^[2] The second illustrates a delightfully popular limerick style^[3], where the content is more... suggestive.

Without further ado..

(Almost) Death By Nachos

There once was a guy named Bobby

Who'd sampled the free nachos in the lobby

He soon realized

He'd need to be hospitalized

For the pranksters had switched the guacamole with wasabi.^[4]

Get To The Choppa

There once was a dude named Rick

Who couldn't wait to show off his new trick

When a victim he'd spy

"Check this out!" he'd cry

And impersonate a helicopter using only his elbow.^[5]

Limericks celebrate the beauty that is juvenile humor, which is an important quality we strive to cultivate at Things, as evidenced by our truckloads of shenanigan-inspiring gags for the maturity challenged, ranging from joke books to prank gift boxes to fake poop.

And should you aspire to write a score of your very own limericks (YES OMG DO IT), but lack the inspiration, you can find many helpful word choices in our Creative Cursing Book.^[6]

See you next week,

Bobby

1. For me, because I can only brain so hard and I have Things to do.
2. Maybe now they'll start reading my blog, because it's not like I didn't warn them.
3. As well as the fact that I haven't matured past the seventh grade.
4. My sinuses are still recovering,
5. Not actually his elbow.
6. Bonus: This book is especially handy at the DMV.

In the early 20th century, the majority of the condiments we know and love--including ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise--were imported from a large, now wildly popular, manufacturer in England. In 1912, this condiment manufacturer took advantage of the publicity surrounding the maiden voyage of a luxury cruise liner (that we all now hold responsible for robbing Leonardo DiCaprio of an Oscar 20 years ago), by utilizing said voyage to promote their brand and ship their largest-ever amount of cargo consisting of 5,000 containers each of ketchup and mustard, and 16,000 jars of mayonnaise to the U.S. and Mexico, the latter of which was to receive a little over 2/3 of the massive mayo shipment.

That shipment never arrived.

Shortly before midnight on the fourth day of this historic voyage, the cruise liner--the RMS Titanic, for those who missed my earlier tongue-in-cheek reference--hit an iceberg about 375 miles south of Newfoundland. On the morning of the fifth day, she sank. Rose broke her promise to "never let go," 1,503 people perished, and 26,000 condiment containers, including 10,700 jars of Mexico's long-awaited mayo plunged to the bottom of the ocean.

Which brings us to Mexico's day of remembrance for the tragedy now referred to as...

Wait for it...

Sinko de Mayo.

¡Olé!

Obviously (at least, I hope it's now obvious), most of what I just said is pure rubbish^[1]. In all seriousness, Things fans, happy Cindo de Mayo! For those not familiar with the history of this holiday, it's actually to honor the day Mexico's army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Today, Cinco de Mayo is also largely associated with celebrating the richness of Mexican-American culture, which is why folks of various nationalities now take to the streets to pound chimichangas, toast Saint Tequila, and don sombreros.

Just say "NO" to sinking mayo.

May the 4th (and 5th, and 6th) shots be with you!

How am I celebrating? For one, I'm preventing the sinking of my mayo by using my handy Condiment Gun. Though, I'm using one of the cartridges for sour cream, because nobody should shoot mayo on a taco. I'm also going to christen my new STAR WARS shot glasses with someThing strong enough to create a disturbance int The Force, because why not also celebrate STAR WARS Day^[2] at the same time?

¡Salud!

Bobby

1. EveryThing except the fact that the Titanic actually hit an iceberg, sank, and took 1,503 people with her. And that Leo was robbed. Why he had to get attacked by a bear before the Academy recognized his talent is beyond me.
2. Again. Because if you don't celebrate STAR WARS Day on May 4th like a good little Padawan, St. Yoda takes away your light saber.

IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE

Unless you've been living under a rock, you're probably aware of how folks have been FREAKING OUT over this fluffy rainbow monstrosity in a cup that was available for a limited time from some coffee company that's pretty popular. It resembled a glittery, cotton-candy-colored, sugar-loaded-unicorn-poop nightmare, and I, for one, am grateful this promotion has ended.

...and not at all bummed that I missed my shot because I failed to properly prioritize and get one in time.

Nope.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I've included a hastily scribbled illustration that should clear things up.

So, since there were no mythical creatures, cosmic-sugar-crystals, or coffee peddlers on the verge of strangling the next customer who ordered this cup of sweet, whipped terror on Monday morning, I had my caffeine dealer expertly fill my Darth Vader travel tumbler with piping-hot black coffee^[1] and I drank it down in three scalding swallows^[2] like God intended, dammit!

If you, too, are the kind of Things fan who likes to throw back their coffee like a Norse god on the dawn of victory^[3], we have plenty of java vessels with which to toast your inevitable triumph^[4].

We've got mugs that morph, shaped mugs, scary mugs, and mugs that destroy planets^[5].

No sparkly unicorn mugs, though. Sorry.



Cheers!

Bobby

1. With steamed milk, vanilla syrup, and a bunch of caramel, and shut up, it's delicious.
2. That's code for "a series of gentle sips because I was driving and wanted to savor my caramel life force on a Monday morning, give a guy a break, sheesh."
3. Or like an occasionally polite mortal named Bobby.
4. Or soothe your devastated soul because deadline is approaching and you're not allowed to drink rum on the job.
5. Not really, but we have at least one that certainly looks like it can.

You wanna know a little secret? I play guitar. I'm certainly no Rock God, but my trusty six-string and I have been known to musically entertain my dog and annoy the neighbors just for the sheer fun of it. Why am I sharing this with you? Well, Things fans, April is International Guitar Month, and not only is it a great reason for getting your hands on a few new guitar Things, it's also the excuse you never knew you needed for rocking out in the garage, basement, or local open-mic venue; mastering a complicated solo, starting a band, or even taking up guitar for the very first time!

If that last option speaks to you on a visceral level, but horror stories of blistered fingertips and pain from playing chords makes you wanna take up yodeling instead, fret not! (See what I did there?) If you have extra-sensitive fingers, painful arthritis, or you're even missing a finger or four, you can still play that guitar! E-Z Chord Guitar Device attaches to your guitar neck and replaces difficult finger moves with four buttons, using just one finger. If finger sensitivity or dexterity issues aren't a problem, but you find you still need a "hand" with fretting, we also have the Chord Buddy. This gadget works kinda like training wheels for your guitar by taking the guesswork out of playing chords while helping transition you to using strings alone.


Intimidated by guitars but wanna start "small"? You could give the ukulele a go! Not only is this mini music maker insanely trendy right now, a lot of the basics for playing can be applied to the guitar should you decide to make that leap. We even have a ukulele kit to get you started.

Before I sign off, I'd like to leave you budding rock-n-roll hall-of-farmers with a few (hopefully) helpful tips:

• If a new guitar is out of your price range, hit up pawn shops, online classifieds, and yard sales
• Some music shops will clean and restring your guitar for the low price of a new pack of strings (note: the guys and gals at these shops can easily become your best friends)
• The Internet is also your friend - you can find articles and tutorials for everyThing from guitar maintenance and playing songs, to finding other local guitar heroes and even starting that band already--seriously, what are you waiting for?
• A medium-to-heavy guitar pick (or driver's license, debit card, store loyalty card... anyThing with a hard edge) can help you build those fretting calluses quickly. Keep one in your pocket and occasionally give the edge a squeeze with your fingertips throughout the day until practice time.
• Practice daily--not only to get better, but also to ensure those new calluses don't disappear (and also because it's fun, duh.)
• Keep forgetting which string is which? Starting from the bass (thickest) strings, keep in mind my favorite mnemonic device: Eddie Ate Dynamite. Good Bye, Eddie.

April is Stress Management Month. I find this profoundly appropriate given the deadline for filing my taxes is rapidly approaching, I'm fresh out of coffee, and switching to more "spirited" beverages during the tax-filing process is a surefire way to meet an IRS agent in person. Even the most carefree folks can get stressed this time of year.

But fear not, Things fans, because April also happens to be Lawn & Garden Month, AND this week is Garden Week!  Exciting, right? Well, when you take into account how gardening is known to promote relaxation and reduce stress^[1], it's worth looking into if you don't already possess a pair of green thumbs. You can get started by growing your own tomatoes with the new & improved Topsy Turvy, and breathing in the soothing, tangy aroma of saving dough on those expensive organic tomatoes at the store.  Not able to grow stuff outside? Try "indoor gardening" with a money plant, instead^[2].

Gardening isn't for everyone, but you know what is? Coloring. I know, I know, coloring books are EVERYWHERE now, and not everyone likes coloring flowers, kittens, and puppies...but how about a tastefully framed F-bomb? Or an expletive-laden inspirational quote that would make Grandma blush^[3]? If swearing is your second language, then you'll wanna color the "eff" outta these. Fair warning, though--you may still come across the occasional flower, kitten, and puppy. Check out our entire arsenal of coloring books here. I've even thrown in a few of the "clean" ones as well as a selection of Art Weapons^[4] just to shake Things up a little.

Of course, if getting your hands and art dirty doesn't help with the stress, there's always meditation.

Namaste,

Bobby

1. The Internet told me so.
2. BONUS: No need to report this bad boy to the IRS
3. If Grandma's not a blusher, give that gal a high-five from me.
4. "Art Weapons" sounds so much cooler than "Coloring Pencils".