I used to ask my parents to hire a clown for every one of my birthday parties. And if the clown could do magic? Well, that was a double-down win in my book. But now when I see a clown, I'm literally - and I do mean literally - paralyzed in terror. Thank you very much, Stephen King.

I'm not only scared of Halloween clowns or the creepy clowns that keep popping up everywhere. I'm scared of even funny clowns with friendly faces. Even the silliest clowns with their seltzer squirters, and honky-horns and silly balloon animals strike terror into my heart. I break into a cold sweat. I can't speak. I can't even blink. Worst of all, I can't RUN!

Fear of clowns is called coulrophobia and it's a real Thing. I never had coulrophobia until I read Stephen King's "It". But once I met Pennywise the Clown in the pages of King's brilliantly terrifying novel, I became afflicted with the clown phobia - along with millions of other people. Some people even say Pennywise ruined their childhood!

See, Pennywise can do a ghastly magic trick: he (or It if you prefer) is a shapeshifter. He transforms himself into your deepest fears. It uses your worst phobias against you. If your phobia happens to be fear of clowns, well, more the better for old Pennywise. It wants to scare you because - direct Pennywise quote here - "You all taste so much better when you're afraid."

So you might think that I wouldn't have watched the 1990 mini-series starring Tim Curry as Pennywise, but I did. Did that made Things worse? Yep. Curry was brilliant, ghastly, hideous...in short the scariest clown ever. Now Hollywood is taking on King's novel again with a feature film due out this fall. Watch the extended trailer...if you dare.

Me, I'm going to find a place to hide now. I'll see you next week (unless Pennywise finds me),
Bobby

How did George Romero make zombies so terrifying? He made them your neighbors. "There's nothing scarier than the neighbors!" he once said. No kidding. Not to disparage my neighbors (in case they're reading this). My neighbors are fine upstanding folk who would never egg my house or toilet paper my trees. Or serve my brain on a hamburger bun at their next backyard cookout. Nice neighbors. Nice, nice neighbors.

Director George Romero made the classic "Night of the Living Dead" while other filmmakers working in his genre were flooding theaters with vampire and monster movies. Sure, zombies can be thought of as monsters, but Romero never saw them that way. He once said that the most monstrous characters in his zombie movies were the humans.

"Night of the Living Dead" served as a template for the hundreds (maybe thousands) of zombie movie and television show that followed with a few minor differences. It's not always a bite that turns someone into a zombie. Sometimes a virus gone wild infects people with zombie-ism. The variations on Romero's zombies are nearly infinite but one thing remains the same: the zombies reveal the worst (and the best) in ordinary humans.

George Romero passed away earlier this week (presumably without contracting zombie-ism).  The outpouring of mourning and admiration almost 'broke the Internet' as people took to social media to say a final goodbye to the director. George Romero once told an interviewer, "I have a soft spot in my heart for the zombies." Turns out we have a soft spot in our hearts, too - for the father of all zombies.

So long, George. We'll miss you and your zombies.
Bobby

Sometimes, interacting with other human beings requires more strength than I physically possess. Since starting life over as a hermit and living on a mountain is only cool if you’re Luke Skywalker (and “cool” would be a stretch, because, seriously, dude? Your sister channeled her family angst into the Resistance and went on to become a General…), I like to battle social trials with sarcasm. Even when I’m in my usual “people-y” mood, I often find myself scrambling to replace the filter that fell out of my brain that is supposed to prevent me from saying something inappropriate. More often than not, I find it easier to just let my wardrobe speak for me. It’s fun with the added bonus of helping me avoid jail time or the ER. Luckily for me, we have T-shirts for every socially inappropriate situation!

For when you don't want to get  into another political discussion

For when that certain someone  needs some reassurance

For when you can't handle the massive  amounts of stupid everywhere you go

For when it really wasn't your fault

For when someone expects you  to defend your right to eat bacon

For when you simply have better things to mentally focus on

Grab these and tons more of our exclusive “Defense Against Socializing” tees here. And at our ridiculously low prices, you’ll find they’re much easier on the wallet than say… bail money.

See you next week,

Bobby

By now, Things fans, you’ve probably figured out that I’m the kind of guy who likes to be prepared. I live by the old adage, “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” and my least-favorite phrases begin with, “If only…” Since I’ve already covered a couple of important emergency scenarios (see my posts on alien abduction and a zombie apocalypse), I’d like to share with you a few Things to help you navigate everyday situations as well.


• 5-in-1 Survival Knife – It even has “Survival” in the name, so you know it’s helpful. This sucker includes a super-sharp stainless-steel blade, LED flashlight, fire starter, seat-belt cutter, AND glass breaker. Every vehicle needs this, trust me.

• Extreme LED Headlight – Ever have
to change out your spark plugs on your lunch break? No, you haven’t because those buggers only kick the bucket at Dark-Thirty when you’
re in the middle of mountain country with no cell service. You need both hands when you’re digging around under the hood, and this headlight illuminates everyThing, keeping your hands free to work. Don’t be left in the dark with only the sound of pre-dawn banjos to keep you company!

• Ultra UV Bonding Tool – Uh-oh… you knocked over the ancient vase that’s been in the family for 6 generations… Fret not! This pen-sized tool is perfect for fixing dang-near everyThing—and fast!  Works on metal, wood, ceramics, porcelain, glass, plastic, PVC pipe… you get the picture, right? Sand your surface, fill with included compound, and cure with built-in UV light for 8 seconds, and your great Aunt Mabel is none the wiser!

• Battery Organizer & Tester – It’s all well and good to have a sizeable stash of batteries, but who wants to waste time digging through a drawer, only to find out the battery you need is dead? Not me. This organizer can either hang on the wall or stash in a drawer and has over 80 compartments for storing nearly every type of battery you’d ever need—AND it includes a battery tester!

• Solar Juice Pro Mobile Charger – Hitting the beach or a theme park this summer? Bring this solar-powered charger with you! It’s about the size of a key fob and is able to recharge any 2 mobile devices at the same time. Carabiner clip attaches to bag, belt loop, or backpack, or keyring so it’s always available, even when those free charging kiosks are packed full of folks and you’ve got places to go.

Don’t be the “if only” guy! Discover loads more tools & gadgets here to help prepare you for All The Things!


See you next week,
Bobby

It’s almost that time of year again! Time for fireworks, parades, and BBQs celebrating that fateful day 241 years ago where we told the British Empire, “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” and declared our independence as a sovereign nation.

It’s also time for some Independence-Day trivia! So, without further ado…

Things You (Probably) Never Knew About Independence Day:

• America actually gained its independence on July 2 – Congress debated and revised the Declaration’s wording, and ultimately approved it on July 4. I say go ahead and celebrate on both days. America deserves it.
• Two Declaration of Independence signers died on the 50th anniversary of Independence Day – Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams—the only two signers to later serve as President—both died on July 4, 1826. The very definition of poetically tragic.
• Man’s unalienable rights weren’t originally “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” – Before Thomas Jefferson changed it, the Declaration read “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of property.” Jefferson’s edit makes perfect sense to me, because mowing all that property I’d attempt to pursue wouldn’t exactly make me happy.
• The draft of the printed Declaration of Independence was lost – Source copy used for the publicly distributed “Dunlap Broadside”, a draft believed to have been handwritten by Thomas Jefferson disappeared. Nicolas Cage doesn’t have it. We checked.
• The biggest fireworks display in the U.S. is Macy’s 4th of July fireworks in New York City – Packing a whopping 50,000 explosive effects into 25 minutes is apparently all it takes to get the attention of 3 million people every year. BOOM, BABY!
• You can blame Suicide Squad for Captain Steven Hiller not appearing in the Independence Day sequel – Despite how his portrayal of the heroic captain in 1996's Independence Day was largely responsible for kicking off Will Smith’s wildly successful film career, he didn’t return for the much-anticipated 20^th-anniversary sequel. Smith was busy being Deadshot in Suicide Squad and couldn’t work Independence Day: Resurgence into his schedule. I’ll let you guess which of the two films got a better Rotten Tomatoes rating (hint: The “Joker’s” on Mr. Smith).

Have a safe and wonderful 4th of July, Things fans!

See you next week,
Bobby

Summer’s here and so’s the weekend! You know what that means? It’s time to crack open a cold one, Things fans!

But first, some fun beer trivia.

Oh, OK. You don’t have to wait. Go ahead and chug that brew right now while you read. You deserve it^[1].

Things You Probably Never Knew About Beer

• The workers who built the Great Pyramids of Giza were paid in beer (and bread, but we all know which one is more important). That would be the only reason I’d keep returning to work if it was my job to drag stones under the desert sun all day.
• Approximately 50 million people around the world are drunk right this second. I have to admit to being a little jealous of this fact, seeing as how it’s breakfast time here at Things, and it would be poor form to down a six-pack at the office when I haven’t even finished my donut. #AdultingIsHard
• The winner at Finland’s Wife Carrying World Championships receives the wife’s weight in beer. Also, Wife Carrying races are a Thing.
• In Austria, you can actually swim in pools of beer. (This both appalls and intrigues me.)
• The average beer contains about 4.5% alcohol by volume. The world’s strongest beer, however, contains a staggering 67.5%. It’s called Snake Venom. The name alone makes my liver whimper.

Beer trivia not enough to tide you over ‘til happy hour? Check out the small sampling of our beer Things below (a “Beer-Things Flight”, if you will).


You can find even more by clicking here.

Cheers!

*hiccup*

See you next week,
Bobby

1. But not if you're under the age of 21. Or while you’re on the clock. Or at school. Or right before (or while) driving. Duh. Or at church… well, maybe church…

Holy heartache, Batman! Just one short week ago, at the age of 88, the legendary Adam West retired to the great Bat Cave in the sky and traded in his cape for a pair of (blue?) angel wings.

Mr. Wayne West began his acting career in the 1950s and over the course of the following 60+ years, had amassed nearly 200 acting credits, guest appearances, and voice-over roles under his utility belt, including: The Young Philadelphians, a handful of TV Westerns, Perry Mason, Outer Limits, Soldier in the Rain, and oodles of other roles. As the first actor to bring the Caped Crusader off the pages of comic books and onto the screen, West cemented his superstar status, one that followed him decades after the original Batman TV show first aired. More than 40 years after hanging up his cape, West finally earned an ever-coveted spot on the Hollywood Walk of fame—despite how quickly he’d earned himself a bat-shaped space in all of our hearts as the crime-fighting hero we adore.

On June 9th, 2017, the world bid farewell to the Bright Knight, but I, for one, will not be one bit surprised to look up one day and catch a glimpse of a familiar bat figure formed in the clouds.

See you next week,
Bobby