Last February, I told you about the adventures of a certain Reddit user who calls himself Captain Mercedes. The good captain cataloged (according to the Bristol stool scale) every bowel movement he had in 2104. He then posted the data for other Reddit users to analyze.

And now, the results are in! A data-obsessed Reddit user called Plotting Man took on the challenge of analyzing the captain’s data dump and published the results for all to see.

Here’s what Plotting Man found:

• A week of poop: The captain poops surprising little on Mondays and Tuesdays. 
• Log dropping time: He prefers to do his doo drops between 10-11AM, but a certain percentage seem to come on in the wee hours. 
• Toilet punishments per day: Usually the captain poops just 0-1 times, but on one fine day he punished the porcelain throne 5 times! (I wonder what he ate the day before?) 
• Distance from optimal corndog condition: Before I encountered Captain Mercedes, I had no idea this was a Thing. On the Bristol chart, 1 is "like nuts" (ouch!) and 7 is "entirely liquid" (eww!). What you want is a 4: "like a sausage or snake (or corndog), smooth and soft".  Did the captain's movements make the grade? Mostly, but it seems he has a healthier pooping life in the spring and summer. 

You can see the entire set of results here, along with Plotting Man’s commentary, colorful graphs and punny comments from the wide world of the web. I don't know if all of this actually helped the poor captain better understand his secretions, but I think it's one of the funniest crappy Things on the Internet this year.

Keep your eye on the bowl. See you next week,
Bobby