Hello Things fans...I have HUUUUUGE news!

Ready?

Oh-KAY!

Things is moving out of the blogosphere!

I started this blog ten years ago. Since then we've talked about everything from magic Things to poopy Things and everyThing in between.

It's been real. It's been fun. It's been Real Fun.

I'm SO not kidding.

But Things they are a changin' as Things tend to do.

Social Media is where it's at now. That's where all of you (aka the Cool Kids) hang out, right?

I've never liked being left out of Things, so I've decided to stop writing this blog in 2018. That way I can spend more time with you...on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc.

I've had a blast writing this blog and I know we're going to have tons of fun next year  "getting social". Thanks for reading and Happy New Year.

I'll see you around the Interwebs,
Bobby

Christmas is almost here!

Lots of family.

Piles of presents.

Way too much food.

And a few extra days off work to play with our new toys and Things.

Woo-hoooooooooooo!

But before we close up shop for the holiday, I'd like to take a minute to thank our friends, fans, and fellow lovers of all Things weird and wacky for a wild and wonderful year.

From the Things family to yours, we wish you a very safe and happy holiday.

Bobby

STAR WARS: The Last Jedi opens in theaters today. It's expected to be one of the highest grossing movies of all time. (The Force Awakens is #3) . And not because some marketing department or PR Flack expertly positioned it to be 2017's Holiday Blockbuster. No. This is bigger than even a Mad Man's imagination.

Here's the not-so-secret reason fans are expected to turn out in droves: for the love of Princess Leia.

Carrie Fisher brought Leia to life in the first STAR WARS film back in 1977, which I saw on opening day. (Man, am I getting old or what?). Fans adored the plucky princess as much as (or even more than) her brother Luke.

In Hollywood parlance, STAR WARS: The Last Jedi  was in "post-production" when Ms. Fisher died suddenly last year. In Real People Speak, that means they were finished filming and were doing whatever it is they do to get the Thing ready for release this holiday season. It also means we'll get to see her entire final performance as Leia.

Fisher loved her role as galactic Princess. She lived it. Breathed it. Her last book, The Princess Diarist was based on the diaries she kept at 19 years old while shooting the biggest and (IMNSHO) best sci-fi movie the world had has ever seen. Sure, there was some Hollywood dirt in the book (a sordid affair with married-with-children Harrison Ford), but mostly the book is about one Thing: Being Princess Leia.

In an interview with USA Today, Fisher told reporters, "I carry her around and I know her better than anybody else. She’s mine," the actress said, "She’s mine!"

No argument there. We've waited a whole year for our last chance to see our favorite sci-fi princess do her Thing on the big screen. Today is the day! I got the tickets. I got the t-shirts (it's not too late to get yours in time for Christmas!). I'm taking my entire family. We'll even pop some STAR WARS popcorn to take to the theater eat at home.

In a final tribute to Carrie Fisher, I think STAR WARS enthusiasts will turn out in numbers big enough break the Box Office. For the love of Leia.

Your fans will always be with you, Princess. May the force be with you, too.
Bobby

Now that I'm finished shopping for friends and family, it's time to start my office Christmas party shopping. Like most places, we have a dollar limit for our Secret Santa Things. That's why I thought I'd show you three perfect Things for coworkers - all under 20 bucks!

"Think outside the box." There's a phrase that's been Done To Death, right? For the person (you know there's at least one) who's overly fond of that overused imperative, this perfectly puzzling Thing makes them try to get inside the box. It's not as easy as it looks. (I still can't solve it, but I haven't looked at the instructions yet.) Want max laughs? Give them the box this year and the instructions next Christmas. Boom! Two gifts in one! They'll be so grateful for the solution next year, they won't even notice they didn't actually get anyThing new...

Everyone needs a good calendar. Especially if (like me) you don't get along with your smartphone calendar app at all. Besides, a funny desk calendar makes your coworkers laugh and that can be good for you. How? Stress is like a little virus. Left untreated it affects everyone. Laughter reduces stress. And the less stressed they are, the less stressed you'll be! As much a gift for you as for them...

Pranks have no season, that is, unless you stuff a Christmas stocking with them, which is exactly what we did. Our Soc-O-Pranks comes with all the Things they need for office hijinks that last all year. There's a joy buzzer (priceless for introductions to new employees), a rubber donut for the break room, a plastic cockroach, plus a fart ring, whoopee cushion (of course) and fake poop. It's the holiday gift that keeps on giving...

So go ahead, get your Secret Santa on. These Three Things are fun, inexpensive, and totally suitable for work.

See you next week,
Bobby

Certain people are just hard to buy for. (Not me. I like everyThing.) So what do you get for the picky, the prickly, the positively perplexing people in your life? SomeThing they Never Knew Existed, what else? These gems top my list of Things for Christmas.

Drones: These Things are so popular that the FAA had to make rules for "unmanned aircraft systems" this year. Drones were getting in the way of manned aircraft - you know, like big planes with actual pilots and actual people in them. Like, yikes! (So...and I don't say this a lot...follow the rules this yule.) My favorites are the Racing Drones (what could be better than aerial race on Christmas morning?) and the Virtual Reality Drone, which does more than show you awesome pictures - you experience everyThing in VR.

Grown-Up Toys: People love to take fun Things to work. (You know it's not just me!)  Sometimes a desktop diversion is the perfect Antidote for Annoying. Studies show that even a little "play time" at work can improve moods, interpersonal relations, and productivity. But who needs a silly study to know that toys are tons of fun? (Not you folks, that's for sure.) My top picks for this year? The Desktop Drum Kit and Catapult Launcher. They're deeeee-vine diversions and perfect for chasing people out of your space. (But you didn't hear that from me, right? Right.)

Little Things: Stocking stuffers aren't just for stuffing stockings. From T-shirts to puzzles to poop soap, there's a little someThing for everyone on your list. My favorite stuffers are (surprise- surprise!) the Fart Master Tee and our warm and cozy Poop Slippers.  Scatological humor really puts a fine finishing touch on the Christmas festivities.

Finally, package up all your great gifts in prank gift boxes for max surprise, max laughs, and max merriment. My personal favorite is the Roto Wipe. Need I say why?

Okay, I've made it super simple to find the perfect Thing for anyone on your list. Now it's up to you to wrap it - Things-style, of course - and get it under the tree on time.

So get cracking on that Christmas list. I'll see you next week,
Bobby

I'm not in love with the mall. Not even on a regular day. But on Black Friday? For-GET it. Not going. No way. Not doing it. Don't care what's on sale. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care. Won't go. Can't make me! [Insert kicking and screaming fit here.]

Why should I run around like a maniac chasing silly sales when my trusty old (and I do mean old) laptop can deliver deals to my door? Let the rest of the family fight their way through the mall. I'm staying right here in my pajamas and slippers. (Maybe I'll get dressed today. Maybe I won't.That's nobody's business but mine.) If you are a Black Friday resister like me, I've got a few Things you're going to L.O.V.E.!

Everyone needs an Ugly Sweater to ring in the season. If you live where it's hot ALL the time (like me) a t-shirt might have to do. Either way, it's better if your "gay apparel" is sarcastic, funny, or dripping with attitude. This Santa sweater fills the bill, plus - super bonus - it farts! And everyThing is festive when you dress it up in a Santa Hat and lights. Even a grinning skull!

Now...get ready...here's THE best Outdoor Decorating Thing of the season: the Star Shower. The Thing I like most: it's ridiculously easy to use. You just plug in the projector, pick a holiday slide, and turn it on. Voila! Outdoor decorating is done. There lots of different slides, so you never get tired of your decorations even if (like me) you don't get around to taking them down, like, ever.

No Christmas is complete without jelly beans in your stocking, under the tree, or on the goodie table. (Preferably all three!) Thanks to the super geniuses at Jelly Belly, now you can get your favorite Krispy Crème donut flavors in a jelly bean! My favorite: Chocolate Iced with Sprinkles. They really do taste like Krispy Crème! How do they do that?


Finally, here's a Thing I could have used yesterday: the Click and Go Belt. It expands with your belly, which isn't an excuse to shove your face full of unlimited quantities of food (like me), but sure helps if you lose your cool (like me) and eat everyThing in sight (like me).

You don't have to fight the crowds, the traffic, rabid bargain hunters, or the weather. Just make some coffee, slip on your slippers, settle into your favorite chair and get clicking. With plenty of Things online, there's more than one way to conquer a Christmas list!

Happy Holidays!
Bobby

Thanksgiving is a top holiday in my book. Not just for the food (yum!) and football (all day! Yay!), but it's also a time to think about the Things that make us happy. The Things that make us rich - despite the red ink on our bank statements. (Okay, maybe that's just me.) You know, all the Things we're thankful for...

My memory being what it is...um...pretty much nonexistent, I usually make a list of the Things I'm thankful for. I'm happy (and grateful) to say it's a pretty long list, so I'll just give you the top 3:

Family: I have a big family. A very Big Family. I'd like to say it's all "Leave it to Beaver" perfect, but that would be a Big Fat Lie. We're waaaaaaay too normal for that. We have disagreements. We fight over silly Things that don't matter. All of us - even the youngest kids - are LOUDLY opinionated. (SO not our fault. I blame genetics). But it doesn't matter. When the holidays roll around, we put all that aside and become one Big Happy Family - sorta kinda like TV families - but with practical jokes, pranks, and fart noises at the holiday table.

Health: Not just mine, which is (knock wood) pretty good. I'm mostly grateful for the good health of my friends and my family. Especially my parents. I'm happy that they're still with us to take places of honor at the Thanksgiving table. Mom still makes her top secret stuffing recipe (it tastes exactly the same as it did when I was a kid - how does she DO that every single time?!). And Dad still makes his "gobble-gobble" and a few...errrrrr... let's just say "less delicate" noises while he's carving the turkey. Hey, tradition is important.

Things: Not material Things, either. What I'm grateful for is being able to work here at Things You Never Knew Existed. I get to play with all kinds of cool toys. I get to meet our awesome customers through this blog, our social network, and sometimes on the phone. I'm so lucky to spend my days doing Things I love.

Oh...wait...there's another Big Thing that makes me super grateful: in our family, pranks, tricks, and fun with flatulence never take a holiday - no matter how serious we're supposed to be.

Happy Thanksgiving. See you on Black Friday,
Bobby

From the time I can remember until I "grew up" (ha! as if!), I was sure I would be a famous rockstar. I was gonna crank my amp to, like, 11, man. I'd be the guitarist that kids love and parents hate. Like, it was totally my destiny, man.

I'd ride in a super sweet tour bus with my name in big letters and a flaming flying V guitar painted on the side. I'd go from city to city filling arenas to the rafters. Hordes of screaming SuperFans would follow me everywhere.

Best of all the world's greatest guitar players would copy my brilliant guitar licks without giving credit where it was due. But I wouldn't sue - that's not my Thing. No, instead I'd give away my massive talent and accept the flattery of imitation with my totally superior grace. (Okay, and a giant dose of smug satisfaction. Hey, I'm only human.)

What I didn't know then that would later shape my destiny is this: playing guitar is HARD, man.

Especially if you don't practice. Which I didn't.

I was always too distracted by the next new, cool Thing at Dad's company. I could never settle down and get serious about...well...anyThing except farting, gadgety, funny, and pranky Things.

Don't cry for poor moi...I also said I wanted to be a teacher, an astronaut, a stand-up comic, a fireman, a writer (Hey! That one sort of worked out!), a stuntman, and, well...you get it.

Anyway, Dad's business was the only Thing that I really worked at. Some people say I have "talent" for it. Just between you and me, what I really have is tons and tons of "practice, man, practice".

Since I didn't (don't, won't) practice guitar, my rockstar dreams are not to be. That's okay by me. These days I'm happy playing air guitar - and the radio. But, man, I'd still like to have that tour bus...

Play on, my friends. I'll see you next week.
Bobby

This Sunday most of us will be compelled to 'Fall Back' by setting our clocks back one hour. Did I mention how much I despise the time change? I think I did...once or twice or a hundred times. But, hey, I'm not here to complain. (This week.)

I'm here to say, "Grab hold of your 'extra' hour on Sunday and don't let go!" Think about it: we've been OWED that hour since we were so inhumanely forced to Spring Forward. (But who's bitter? Not me.)

Soooo...moving right along...there's some good news from the belly of this beastly madness: we're getting our hour back on Sunday.

Now that's someThing to celebrate, don't you think? I'm guessing that's why some brainiac blogger came up with a new holiday ‐ Zero Tasking Day - on the day we Fall Back. Grab your so‐called 'extra' hour (along with the rest of the day!) and use it for whatever you want.

        Nap? Great!
        Two naps? Greater!
        Three naps (aka sleeping all day)? SpecTACular!

Not a good napper? Yeah, me either. But that doesn't mean you have to miss out on your Slothful Sunday. You could read a book. Listen to music. Watch TV. Or just sit there staring into space ‐ as long as you don't do One Single Thing.

What am I doing? #MovieDay! It's gonna be all movies. All. The. Time.

I can't even be bothered to search for someThing to stream online. I just laid in a stock of DVDs. I've got my comedies: the Stooges and wild man Jeff Dunham. I've got classic horror flicks from Vincent Price to Bella Lugosi. I've got a Wide World of Weird and Wonderful Things to watch, including a collection of bizarre Things that happened right here in America and a new video about visionary Nikola Tesla, which I've been dying to watch but I couldn't find the time. (Oh, the irony, right?) I even got pre‐bagged popcorn because even microwaving is a task, isn't it? And Zero Tasking means 0 ‐ as in not even one, right?

Pretty sure I'm getting the hang of Zero Tasking Day already. And if Things go as planned, I think I'm gonna like this new holiday. A lot.

See you next week,
Bobby

Okay, I'm about to throw my twice-yearly fit.

We have to turn our clocks back next weekend (at 2:00 am local time on Sunday, November 5 to be exact).

I heard the news this morning while sucking down coffee and trying to wake up.

I wanted to throw myself to the ground, kicking and screaming and crying until my face turned blue. But they say I'm too old for that.

(I don't know who They are, but apparently They get to be the boss of me because I didn't throw my tantrum.)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: the dreaded time change.

I hate-hate-hate it. But you probably know that. Pretty sure I complain about it on this blog every year. Sometimes twice a year. At least once for sure.

Here's the Thing about the time swing: it takes us (no, it's not just me!) about two weeks to adjust. During that two weeks our body clocks spin out of control.

We're up all night. And sleeping at, on, or under our desks (if we can get away with it) by day.


Which makes us (me) cranky.

Personally, I'd stick to Daylight Savings Time and just leave Things be. But it's not just me. There's a whole Facebook community dedicated to time change refuseniks.

Even better, 21 states tried to #locktheclock this year. Most of the bills failed, but not for lack of trying. Seems even some state legislators get cranky about the time change.

Hate the change? Join the #locktheclock movement. If we all work together, maybe we can Stop the Madness - next year.

See you next week.
Bobby

Here's someThing that will shock you (not!): I was into science when I was in school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Call me "geek" call me a "nerd".

See if I care.

Because I know Things.

Important Things.

Science-y Things.

I never wanted to be a scientist. I just wanted to know about Things. I wanted (no, I NEEDED) to figure out how Things work. And the best way to figure out the inner workings of Things?

Take them apart, of course!

Along with learning how Thing work, I learned that taking Things apart is a pretty good way to get yourself grounded. Especially when you get caught red-handed in front of a pile of parts that used to be the toaster. Or the vacuum. Or Dad's electric shaver.

So I don't take Things apart anymore. After being grounded (like a million times!) I learned my lesson.

Don't get me wrong: I'm still super curious about all Things science-y. But these days I stick to putting Things together and - surprise-surprise - I still learn Things! So far, I've learned how a jet engine works. How a glider flies. All about combustion engines.

Not that I don't love taking Things apart still - I do. Especially since I can't get grounded anymore. But it's a lot more fun to put Things together. Mainly because when you're done, they actually work!

See you next week,
Bobby

Remember when you had to be at home to get a telephone call? When the phone was actually hard wired? Just in case you don't, see the telephone at left. Yup. That's what Things used to be like. To take a call, you had to be tethered to a wall!*

It was a Dark Age.

But (WHEW!) that's all over now. Six out of seven people on the planet have cell phones or smartphones. In fact, more people have cell phones than toilets!

But we don’t just spend trillions of minutes talking. That would be, like, so lame.

No, here in this Bright Age of Tech, we do everyThing with our phones. We send send over eight trillion text messages a year. That's the number eight with 12 zeroes after it. And we spend 720,000,000,000 minutes a day on social media platforms. Talk time barely measures compared to the other Things we do on our phones in the New Age.

What ever did we do back in the Dark Age? We missed unimportant calls. We couldn't LOL or LIKE or SHARE someThing without actually (shudder) seeing someone in person. There...were...no...EMOJI! The absolute horror of it all!

Sarcasm aside, I admit that my cellphone and I are joined at the hip. (Almost literally since I carry it on my belt.) I need it to keep in touch with the business while I'm camping with my dog. To get the scoop on the Next Big Thing no matter where I am. To watch Epic Fail videos on YouTube while I’m waiting in some line for someThing I probably don’t want to do.

But I also admit there are days when I want to accidentally-on-purpose leave the Thing at home. I envision being like Bear Grylls, fighting my way through the unforgiving wilds of the Tech World without my gadgets.

And then I remember: I love gadgets! Gadgets are my Thing!

Besides, I’m no Bear of any kind. After about an hour, they’d find me crawling through the city streets, phone in hand, begging for just a little bit of a charge…and maybe some extra data.

See you next week,
Bobby

A couple of years ago, Knightscope gleefully announced its new "crimefighting robot", the K5. It's not an Artificial Intelligence robot (soooooooo obvious - we get to that part later), but K5 can "see, feel, hear, and smell".

The bright idea was to have the robot patrol malls, office buildings, etc., collecting information to predict the likelihood of an impending crime. (Uh, yeah, right.) It then shares the info with the human security force that it will soon replace works with.

You ever owned one of those vacuum 'bots? They get lost under the couch, get stuck in corners, or just fritz out and sit there like a super expensive doorstop. If you've seen one of these "intelligent" devices in inaction, you can guess where I'm headed...

This is one of those Things that always goes just about like so:

          Step One: Have Bright Idea
          Step Two: Implement Bright Idea
          Step Three: Suffer Epic Fail
          Step Four: Endure Endless Internet Ridicule.

Sooooooooo this particular Bright Idea, K5, was "on patrol" in an office building in D.C. when it fell down some stairs, landed in a fountain, and "drowned".

You can also guess what happened next: the Web went stark raving mad with glee over the Fallen 'Bot's Epic Fail.

One Twitter user who (like me) clearly expected (and deserved) to be living the George Jetson lifestyle by the 21st century said: "We were promised flying cars, instead we got suicidal robots."  Another tweeted: "Have you thought about getting a lifeguard robot to keep the security robots from drowning?" Dozens (I suspect security personnel) implied that the K5 couldn't 'stand' its menial existence anymore so it drowned itself on purpose.

If K5 and my vagrant vacuum 'bot are predictions of the future, we might never get our flying cars. But on the bright side: it'll be a long, long, LONG time before the robot army rises to destroy us all. So...that's someThing, right?

See you next week,
Bobby